Everyone in office talking about cake, thinking about cake or eating cake

EVERY member of staff in an office appears to be dangerously obsessed with cakes, a new employee has claimed.

Tom Logan, who joined Beckworth Accounting in Worcester last week, discovered that all traditional work activities have been displaced by the consumption of sweet desserts.

Logan said:“On my first day I was asked when my birthday was, then I was told I’d have to bring cakes in that day while it was marked on the calendar. I hadn’t even sat down.

“People are constantly bringing in boxes of cakes or donuts, at which point everyone rushes to their desk like feeding time on a farm, and at meetings they have eclairs.

“Fridays are the worst because they all go to a posh cake café called ‘Patisserie Exquisite’, where they finally order the cakes they’ve been discussing all week.

“They’ve got unprocessed orders going back to 2014, all covered in grease spots and crumbs. I was trying to deal with them but Pete brought me a fresh strawberry mille-feuille.”

Colleage Joanna Kramer said: “I quite like Tom, but I’m not really sure he’s on the same page as us about cake.”

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Brexit put on hold as everyone realises borders only exist in our minds

PLANS for Brexit have been put on hold after everyone involved realised that borders are a meaningless concept that exists only in our minds.

Brexit secretary David Davis said: “This is all one planet and we are all one people.

“Let’s feed the hungry, help the poor wherever they come from and damn the economy because that’s a man-made construct as well.”

EU negotiator Michel Barnier said: “I agree with my friend and brother, David Davis, forget the economic structures that we have placed upon ourselves and the invisible lines that we say define countries.

“We will do away with flags, anthems and national identity and live now and always as one human race.”

The speech was met with rapturous applause whilst both men stood hand in hand and began to sing the Woody Guthrie song This Land is My Land, This Land is Your Land.

However journalist Nikki Hollis said: “I heard someone tipped a wrap of MDMA into their coffee today.

“Give them a couple of hours and they’ll be back to squabbling over the imaginary line that we say divides Ireland into two countries.”