Impact assessments wouldn't have helped the dinosaurs, says David Davis

DAVID Davis has told MPs that dinosaurs did not demand an impact assessment for the meteor that wiped them out.

The Brexit secretary admitted to a Commons select committee that there were no impact assessments for leaving the EU because nothing could be more pathetically pointless. 

He continued: “Imagine it. Velociraptors scurrying around collating data for a nervous middle-management brachiosaur who, instead of enjoying a last few leaves, is worrying about his deadline. 

“Tyrannosaurs holding stapled reports in their tiny arms, asking each about projected figures while a new star lights the sky. Stegosaurs moaning about redacted details. What a waste of time. 

“Instead of fussing about how many will die, whether it could have been prevented, or whose fault it is, let’s enjoy the time we still have. 

“Life finds a way. Something will survive. And perhaps in millions of years it will discover our fossilised remains and commission impact assessments into our extinction. 

“Then, and only then, will we know the true impact of Brexit. Until then, let’s get on with delivering it.” 

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Don’t go f**king up our Christmas with your bullshit, Britain warns Tories

THE British public has told the Conservative party not to dick them about with a leadership contest, election or some other bullshit when it is nearly Christmas. 

Crumbling Brexit negotiations are being monitored with alarm by the country, who agree the last thing they need is more bloody politics while they are trying to enjoy themselves. 

Stephen Malley, from Reading, said: “May, Gove, Johnson, whoever the fuck else – leave it. I don’t give a shit about your red lines. Not one word until January. 

“I’ve got mulled wine in the kitchen, I’ve got Bailey’s in the garage, and the last thing I need is to hear we’ve suddenly got no prime minister just as I’m biting into a mince pie. 

Joanna Kramer, from Stevenage, added: “The only prime minister I want to know about in December is Hugh Grant, in Love Actually

“The rest of you, shut it. Or I swear I will vote fucking Labour.”