Bird feeders for little birds are racist, say big birds

BIG birds have hit out at the ‘blatant discrimination’ of bird feeders designed only to be used by smaller species.

Larger birds are outraged at devices designed to stop them feeding and believe they would have a clear-cut legal case if there were such things as bird lawyers.

Magpie Roy Hobbs said: “I flew to one of the gardens where I like to eat but they’d replaced the bird table with some contraption that was too small for me to perch on.

“As a result I was denied my usual delicious meal of dry seeds and cold bacon rind.

“If a restaurant refused to serve big people you’d sue them, although it might weaken your case if you’d previously been headbutting the other customers and eating their meals.”

Pigeon Emma Bradford said: “A feeder with bars to keep out big birds is no different to a bed and breakfast with bars to keep out gay couples.

“If we were human Trevor Phillips would be on the case and they’d be setting up the Equal Feeding Commission, but sadly it seems garden birds are second-class citizens.”

Bradford later located a garden with no feeding restrictions where she stamped on a wren, ate all the nuts and left a massive liquid shit on a car.

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Ruth Davidson ordered to be more delusional

SCOTTISH Conservative leader Ruth Davidson has been ordered to drop her radical position of relative sanity and join her fellow Tories in madness. 

The Edinburgh Central MSP has been criticised for tacitly suggesting the UK should stay in the customs union, a policy considered far too rational by Westminster.

Julian Cook, member for Brigg and Goole, said: “Bad enough she picked up seats in the election last year, a shameful break with party orthodoxy.

“But now, at a crucial time for Britain, she’s coming out with the kind of practical, workable solutions the rest of us have long since discarded for a phantasmagorical wonderland of lunacy.

“Negotiations are on a knife-edge. We need absolutely every Tory on-side promising a fantastical future of unbridled nationalist utopia. Even a trace of reality could destroy the entire thing.”

Davidson said: “The voices whispering in my head, telling me compromise is possible, telling me to be realistic; they are the false ones. I understand now.

“The world is a lie. Only Brexit is real.”