Five lame sickness excuses that clearly indicate you're hungover

PHONING in sick due to a heavy weeknight session? Try using one of these pathetic blags to camouflage your alcohol-induced misery:


When calling work to claim you have a severe migraine and are ultra sensitive to light and sound, prepare your speech carefully, and also remember to mute the TV. Because when your boss hears the gunfire and explosions in the background he will sarcastically ask: ‘So which Die Hard are you watching to get you through your migraine?’


You’ve been violently sick this morning, which you know is from drinking seven pints of Guinness and five Jägerbombs, but your boss will believe is the winter vomiting bug. Until your colleague Darren, who is younger than you and more able to hold his booze, turns up and asks where you are, and then informs the whole office that you were absolutely off your face last night.


This is a get out of jail free card, you think to yourself, there’s no way they’ll ask you to come in with suspected Covid. Unfortunately your crushing hangover anxiety is going to get a lot worse when your boss insists that you send a picture of your positive test before agreeing to give you the day off.

Common cold

Everyone thought the common cold was over in terms of hangover excuses when Covid came along, but it has actually emerged as the victor due to the fact that no one can demand proof of whether you have it or not. Put on a croaky voice, which shouldn’t be hard after all those fags you blagged outside the pub last night, and prepare for a day in bed with Netflix.

Your child is ill

Poor little Toby has got a raging temperature and can’t go to school, so you’ll unfortunately have to take the day off to look after him. Blaming an innocent child is a foolproof plan, until your boss angrily reminds you that you haven’t got any kids, and tells you if you aren’t at the office within 20 minutes not to bother coming in ever again.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Stanley Johnson to be honoured for his services to twattery

STANLEY Johnson is to be knighted in recognition of his immense contribution to the world of twattery, it has been confirmed.

Britons say that the ludicrous idea of Boris Johnson’s dad receiving a knighthood makes complete sense now it has been revealed he will be recognised on the grounds of his atrocious personality and behaviour.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace commented: “At first we couldn’t believe the cheek of Stanley Johnson being on the honours list. But when we learned why he’d been put forward we were like, fair enough. He’s earned it.

“From sexual harassment to domestic abuse to blatantly flouting Covid rules, Stanley Johnson has proved himself to be a peerless twat time and time again. Not to mention all the work he put in for future generations by siring Boris. The man’s an inspiration to twats everywhere.

“Even the way he’s been nominated has all the hallmarks of a world-leading twat. Getting your power-crazed twat of a son to do it for you? Exquisite. I wonder if he’s passed on his twat genes to his indeterminate number of grandkids?

“But of course, for every winner there are also losers. So commiserations to Matt Hancock, Piers Morgan, Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson. Chin up, guys, there’s always next year.”