Five nightmare people to share your daily commute with

DOES your journey to work every day mean spending time with people you’d otherwise avoid like the plague? You’ll be familiar with these.

A colleague

During the 30-minute bus journey between your house and work you put headphones on and ignore the dickheads who populate the world. The last thing you want is the chatty young marketing assistant who’s just joined your office sitting down next to you and making your work hell start half an hour early.

Your old school bully

You thought you’d escaped this absolute bastard when you left school and yet by a horrible quirk of fate here he is on the train every single morning. He still laughs and shouts ‘Alright, ginger pubes?’ each day, as if being persecuted by him for five years was a fun lark and not something that has traumatised you forever.

A one-night stand

You drunkenly shagged this woman from your office years ago, but it didn’t end well. The disdainful look she gives you on a daily basis suggests she wasn’t impressed with your performance, nor regarding it as water under the bridge and having a bit of jolly commuter camaraderie about the state of public transport these days. Awkward.

The local nutter

A bus is as good a place to be a nutter as anywhere. Unfortunately the man known locally as Mad Tony has chosen to sit next to you. You’d move, but there’s nowhere else to sit and it’d be rude when he’s in full flow about ‘transmitters’ and how the World Economic Forum controls everything. To be honest, you’re finding it a bit hard to follow, partly because he’s mad, and partly because you’re busy praying you’ll get to work before he starts on Jews.

Someone you really fancy

There’s a gorgeous woman on the tram who you just know is hilarious, intelligent and your soulmate, even though all she’s ever said to you is ‘Can you move that bag, please?’. Unfortunately you’ve got a bit carried away with the sexual side of this fantasy relationship that will absolutely never happen, and you have to get off at your stop crouched over like Quasimodo.

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'Instant makes me physically sick': Five twats who've gone too far down the coffee rabbit hole

GOT a friend who’s way too obsessed with coffee? They may well fit one of these categories of ‘coffee twat’.

Obsessed with beans twat

They’ve only been into coffee for a year, but they drone on interminably about beans from Guatemala, Colombia or Peru with a love and tenderness they never show toward their own children. Still, you can enjoy a sarcastic laugh at them roasting their own beans in the oven, which with the price of electricity means every cup costs about 25 quid.

‘Instant makes me sick’ twat

Despite drinking instant for years, since the coffee boom happened this twat has decided having a Kenko is unconscionable, like clubbing a baby seal. When they’re offered a cup of lukewarm Nescafe at a friend’s house, they pretty much pretend to faint, as if instant triggers some form of coffee PTSD.

Thinks Starbucks is the Devil twat

Judging High Street coffee chains has become a kind of hobby of theirs. From the totally shit ones all the way down to Costa. Last week they almost had a punch-up with a teenage girl in Starbucks who ordered a venti decaf soy milk Caramel Macchiato. No one ever got this unhinged about Lilt, or even Vimto.

Bought a £1,500 coffee machine twat

To be a true big swinging dick of the coffee world, this twat has dropped the price of a foreign holiday on a colossal barista-worthy coffee machine. It needs to be serviced every six months, has all the bells and whistles and they have no f**king clue how to use it. Don’t accidentally call it a Nespresso or they might fly into a rage, murder you and dispose of the body with their unnecessarily expensive coffee grinder.

Acts like it’s wine twat

By far the wankiest move is to talk about coffee in the same bullshit, hushed tones that people use for wine. There are notes of dark chocolate, berries or caramel in their cup. No there aren’t. It’s coffee, not a bottle of 1961 Pinot Noir. At least Jilly Goolden-style wine buffs have the excuse of being pissed.