Good-looking bastard counts a fortnight as a dry spell

AN incredibly handsome man has the nerve to count two weeks without sexual intercourse as a ‘dry spell’, it has emerged.

Chiselled-featured jerk Josh Hudson has gone a mere 14 days without getting his end away yet is acting like this counts as a significant period of time to go without sex.

Hudson said: “A whole fortnight. That’s 336 barren, sexless hours. Can you imagine what it must feel like to not shag for that long? I’m worried I’ll forget how to do it.

“I think I must be the first man in history to endure such an epic dry spell. Even ugly people and trainspotters are probably getting balls deep more often than me, which is unfair because I’m easy on the eye.

“I’m all alone in my suffering, too. When I told my friends about my era of abstinence, they said ‘Are you f**king serious, mate?’. They’re shocked and confused because my long-term celibacy defies rational explanation.

“I’ll just have to cross my fingers and pray that a woman will want to shack up with my rugged good looks at some point in the future. But after all this time, I’m starting to lose hope.”

Solid ten Ellie Shaw said: “Jesus, two weeks? If I haven’t seen three guys in an afternoon I start to worry. My heart goes out to him.”

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Brexiters tick off 'food rationing' on list

BREXITERS have placed a big happy tick next to ‘food rationing’ on their list of conditions to return Britain to its ideal wartime state.

Vegetable rationing, which will soon be followed by rationing of meat, eggs and sugar, is one more step back to the time and place when Britain was happiest: the years 1939 to 1945.

Norman Steele of Lincoln said: “Now this is what we voted for. Taken them long enough, mind.

“Now rationing’s here, it won’t be long before we’re melting down saucepans and railings for rearmament, sending all the young unmarried girls to work on the land, and setting up internment camps on the Isle of Man.

“We’ve set 1945 as a cut-off date because Britain went downhill fast after we beat Jerry, Churchill got kicked out and the NHS was founded. Nobody wants to revisit those dark days.

“Next on the list: evacuating urban children to the countryside so they grow up with the right values, national service and compulsory xenophobia. All on the way.

“Gather round the wireless with the family to hear the next developments, as long as there isn’t a blackout.”