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They don't piss in the shower: The real indicators of couples' incompatibility

COUPLES’ compatibility is always based on flimsy indicators such as physical attraction or shared interests. Here are the real reasons you should split up immediately.

One of you doesn’t particularly like cheese

If one of you has a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude toward cheese, while the other is A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, the relationship can never work. Could you, the normal one who bites off chunks straight out the packet like a beast, spend the rest of your life with someone who lacks your passion for Cathedral City? It’s curtains for two such different people.

You have different accents

If one of you has a prissy Southern accent and the other’s from Bolton, you might be able to communicate on a basic level like in One Million Years BC, but that’s it. Ditto if one of you is Scottish. You’ll secretly believe yourself to be superior, they’ll never respect you because you don’t know what a bawbag is. Either pay for dialect coaching or move on.

You both like the same side of the bed

Some things cannot be compromised on – it would be sacrificing an important part of who you are as a person. The only fair solution is to both sleep on the same side, one on top of the other. This may seem pretty hot in the first few months of living together, but will soon become a massive pain in the arse, quite literally if your partner’s knee is wedged in your bum cheeks.  

Only one of you is competitive

Do you seriously think that a person who can make a competition out of anything – from a game of snap to fitting everything in the dishwasher – can live a happy life with someone who won’t engage in petty one-upmanship? Someone who’ll say things like ‘I don’t really care’ or ‘Don’t worry, let’s just say you won’. They are weak and you will come to despise them.

You do/don’t hang photos of yourself on the walls

Do you like taking photos of yourselves as a couple and plastering them on your walls in frames, while your partner has the odd snap of a duck languishing on their phone? Split up now. You’ll be forever obsessing over whether you look your best at the top of a boring hill in Wales and they’ll be in permanent agonised embarrassment because they look like a crazed egotist. Like you.

You do/don’t piss in the shower

Some people see the shower as the ideal place to relieve themselves – the plug hole is right there within shooting distance and you’re about to soap down your bottom half anyway. Others see it as a hygiene line in the sand that cannot be crossed. If you’re not both fine with it or totally disgusted, tear off your engagement rings right now.

You have opposite opinions about your mothers

If you love your mother and your girlfriend hates her, or she hates her mother but you actually think she’s ‘quite fun’, it won’t work. It’s as deep-seated as the cat person/dog person dichotomy but with interfering old bats/your lovely new mum. Split up before you have kids and it all turns into grim EastEnders-style family feuds. No one wants that. 

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10 records you won't admit you bought because you fancied the singer

YOUR music tastes would never be influenced by something as base as fancying the artist, right? Wrong, and that’s why you bought these records and CDs.

Belinda Carlisle, Heaven on Earth

Belinda looked extremely hot thanks to her svelte new look and ditching the Go-Go’s era jumpers, which undoubtedly shifted a lot of units. Later singles included Leave a Light On, thus continuing millions of men’s pathetic domestic fantasy about being in long-term relationship with Ms Carlisle. 

Wham, Fantastic 

George and Andrew nailed the smouldering-in-a-leather-jacket-with-a-bare-chest look on the album cover, and their heartthrob status was assured. It was years before legions of female fans realised a romantic evening with George meant something very different indeed.

Blondie, Parallel Lines 

Even inanimate objects fancied Debbie Harry, looking cool on the album in an iconic white dress. It’s also excellent, so you can claim you bought it due to it being a seminal work and to listen to Robert Fripp’s New Wave guitar stylings on Fade Away and Radiate, rather than engage in sordid acts over lovely Ms Harry.

Kate Bush, Babooshka

The single depicted Kate sprawled on the floor, apparently after the uniquely Kate Bush-esque trauma of having a mental breakdown while playing the cello. However it did not feature the famous silver bikini, which, let’s face it, is why everyone bought it. If it wasn’t for this oversight it’d probably still be in the top ten.

INXS, Kick

INXS’s record company traded heavily on Michael Hutchence’s sexy torso, to the extent where he’d probably forgotten what a shirt was. Then it all went a bit wrong. Unfortunately there does seem to be a pattern emerging here of men who don’t wear shirts not being ideal boyfriend material.

The Slits, Cut 

Punks weren’t immune to buying an album with a fit singer on it, and The Slits obliged by dressing as topless Amazonian warrior women. Punk was about tearing down society’s norms, so naturally the best-looking Slit, Viv Albertine of Johnny Rotten blowjob fame, is front and centre of the photo. 

A-ha, Hunting High and Low 

Morten and Mags were true 80s bedroom wall pin-ups. There was the other one too, but these days only Google remembers him (Paul Waaktaar-Savoy, like the cabbage). Either ways the Norwegian band sold loads of copies on Morten’s looks alone. That said, men enjoyed the video as well, with its promise of some brutal pipe-wrench violence.

Michael Jackson, Thriller

Due to his now-horrendous reputation, it’s easy to forget ‘Wacko Jacko’ was a huge sex symbol adored by millions of female pop fans. He’s probably at his sexiest on the cover of Thriller, after which the plastic surgery obsession began taking over. Although by the end, having a stupidly pointy nose was the least of his problems.

Any Top of the Pops compilation album

Absolutely nothing to do with the TV show, these budget covers albums by various anonymous studio musicians were a fixture of the late 60s and 70s. It’s unlikely you bought one, but your dad probably did. All the albums featured a fairly attractive woman in a miniskirt or bikini or, to use the correct 1970s terminology, ‘a dollybird with nice pins and big knockers’.

The Bangles, Eternal Flame 

The Bangles’ Eternal Flame video really capitalised on founder member Susanna Hoffs, so don’t claim her extreme pulchritude wasn’t a factor in your buying decision. At least it’s a good song, which is more than can be said for your shameful 1988 purchase of Boys by Sabrina.

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