Garden office f**king freezing

A GARDEN office installed this summer as a perfect homeworking solution is f**king freezing, it has emerged. 

Will McKay put the summerhouse at the end of his 65-metre garden, complete with expensive internet connection in May, and has happily been working there until this month.

He said: “It used to be idyllic. The dappled sun on my rosewood desk, the birds chirping outside, the scent of fresh-mown grass in the air.

“Now the windows are lashed with rain, my chair’s damp, I keep jumping when rotten apples fall on the roof and it’s so bloody cold I can hardly type.

“When I get in here first thing I put the fire on all four bars and it’s still an hour before my breath stops condensing on my MacBook screen. By which time I can’t feel my toes at all.

“Branches rattle the windows, a magpie comes and pecks at the glass when I’m in meetings, and it’s so cold pens don’t work. But it’s miles back to the house and my old office is a wet room now.

“If only I’d known wood huts are freezing in winter, like the workmen installing it said. But I can’t admit they were right so I’ll soldier on.”

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The shit-awful jobs you won't do no matter what they pay

EVEN in post-Brexit Britain’s upside-down economy, marketing executives on £30k would rather stay in the office than do this dispiriting shit: 

Broccoli picker

When you can earn £30 an hour, surely capitalism dictates that everyone should be running to Lincolnshire to work 14-hour days and sleep with four other pickers in a static? No, because uprooting broccoli is back breaking toil and the job’s ‘up to’ £30 an hour, meaning hit insane quotas or earn a pittance.

Industrial butcher

Another sector teeming with vacancies because the available positions will haunt your nightmares. Slaughtering animals doesn’t even pay that well, presumably because anyone dismembering corpses with a saw would do it recreationally anyway. Or has worked in hospitality.

Anything in a pub or restaurant

Pub and restaurant staff are aged 18-25 precisely because they haven’t figured out that practically any other job is preferable and escaped. Even if you’re evicted and bankrupt, you’re not pulling pints for pissheads for minimum wage and getting home at 1am.

Bin man

The average refuse collector earns not far what you’re getting with your white collar job and £45,000 student debt. They have to get up early and fight rats, but they play a vital role in society unlike you, who thinks you’re better.

HGV driver

Hugely skilled position whose reward is to be treated like shit. You know how successful bands and comedians whinge about being on tour and eating three Ginsters meals a day? That’s the life of an HGV driver, and with many fewer groupies.

Estate agent

Everyone knows this earns. Nobody wants to wake up and look themselves in the mirror knowing their job is to determinedly rip off the elderly, the impressionable and the innocent young buying a bedsit with plate fungus. When you could improve your social standing by becoming a politician or mobile phone contract salesman, you’ve hit bottom.