Giving 150 per cent, and other claims try-hard twats like to make

SARAH Vine has said Boris Johnson was working ’24 hours a day, seven days a week’, which is impossible or he’d be dead. Here are more bullshit claims people make.

Giving 150 per cent

Anyone with half a brain knows that giving anything over 100 per cent is impossible, but that hasn’t stopped this phrase being a firm favourite of try-hard idiots whose ambition in life is to be a tit everyone laughs and sneers at on The Apprentice

Nothing worth having comes easy

From ordering a pizza on Deliveroo to becoming PM because you’re rich and went to Eton, many examples prove this quote is bollocks. Usually said by the kind of twat who thinks there’s something impressive about working incredibly long hours with no reward except a heart attack at 41.

Do or do not. There is no try

It’s spiritual because Yoda said it, right? No. He’s not a religious leader akin to the Dalai Lama, he’s a puppet from a kids’ film. Also, ‘try’ clearly does exist, because people have genuinely tried to do worthwhile things without succeeding. Although ‘trying’ to lose weight while snacking between meals 17 times a day does not count.

Working 27/4

If you really worked 24 hours a day, seven days a week, you would quickly go insane and die through lack of sleep. It doesn’t impress anyone, it’s nonsensical, and you would also be extremely boring.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead

No, you won’t. You’ll be dead when you’re dead. And all of these arse-licking attempts to suck up to your boss will be dead too. So maybe sleep while you’re alive and stop being a f**king liar.

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Could you decorate a flat for less than £200,000? Take our quiz

MAKING your flat nice is incredibly difficult if you don’t have between £58,000 and £200,000 to spend. Could you do it? Take our quiz and find out.

What state was the flat in before?

A) Totally dilapidated. But if I shop around I’ll find the right builders to fix it up on my modest budget.

B) A recently refurbished John Lewis furniture nightmare that will need to be changed from the ground up.

Wallpaper should be…

A) A last resort. First you need to strip the old stuff, then you need to whack on the new stuff. It’s a nightmare. Just use cheap paint.

B) Sheets of solid gold leaf fixed in place with an adhesive that has diamonds in it. Anything less would look tacky.

What are your interior design inspirations?

A) Whatever doesn’t involve remortgaging the flat and doesn’t require a trip to IKEA. So basically anything in the Argos catalogue.

B) A pretentious interior design expert beloved by A-list celebrities, whose general aesthetic can be described as ‘colonialism chic’.

What should furniture be made from?

A) Something soft and bouncy to cushion my arse. Springs and plastic foam should do the trick.

B) Wooden canes that have been woven into the vague shape of a chair or sofa. They’re as comfortable as they are affordable.

What are your thoughts on bold patterns?

A) I can tolerate them on a cushion. But just the one cushion.

B) They should be everywhere. Your goal is for everything to look like a magic eye picture that will give you a migraine in seconds.


Mostly As: You’re a tight bastard but you could easily redecorate a flat for less than £200,000. Although it would probably look a bit generic. 

Mostly Bs: You’ve probably already spunked thousands on a jewel-encrusted door knob and need to set up a shady charity to bankroll the rest. Stick to more harmless jobs in the future, like pretending to run the country.