Monday, 10th May 2021

How I'll be boning through the Hot Vax Summer, by a known bullshitter

PREDICTIONS of a Hot Vax Summer of post-Covid shagging are entirely accurate, according to self-proclaimed love monster Josh Hudson. Here’s his guide: 

The ladies will be gagging for it

Once the clubs open on June 21, it’s going to be a boom time for blokes like me. I’ve always been able to have any woman I want by turning on the charm, like the time I shagged a certain member of a top girl band whose name I can’t reveal for legal reasons but was once acquitted of racially aggravated assault.

Use sophisticated seduction techniques

I’ve got all the books like The Game, so I use sophisticated psychological techniques to get women into bed. Lines like ‘If you were a dog, what breed would you be?’ and ‘I’d drive you home in my BMW, but it’s in the garage getting souped up’. This summer it’ll be one-nighters every night.

Any situation can lead to sex now

Too many men only focus on clubs and dating apps. Pro shaggers like me realise you can get laid at the bus stop or your nan’s funeral. I once had a threesome with my dentist and the hygienist. I’m not making that up – all the other patients were annoyed because their appointments were delayed.

Bond over lockdown

Cynical? Yeah. Guaranteed to result in sex? Absolutely. I’ve made a list of chat-up lines that will instantly create an emotional bond: ‘Did you do more shopping online?’, ‘I reckon it was a Chinese germ warfare attack, baby’ and ‘Has your personal hygiene suffered? Do you want me to check?’

Be responsible

With all the sexual opportunities once lockdown is lifted, I’ll probably need about 50 condoms each weekend. That sounds like a lot, but I’ve not told you about the time I met six off-duty lap dancers in Oundle Road Londis.

Don’t forget to get the vaccine

Apparently the girls are going to want to see a vaccine certificate, so print that out and keep it in your back pocket. And if you’re not in a doctors, like I’m not after the misunderstanding with the locum asking me to undress, you can find them online no trouble.