DOES your club’s transfer business seem to consist of selling off all their good players and buying cheap shit ones? Deaden the pain by lying to yourself: 

‘Shit midfielder anyway, no defensive instinct’ 

Sure, he was banging in worldies from all angles last season, but what about when he misplaced two passes in five minutes against Sunderland, or lost the ball in a tackle that led to a goal? You’re glad he’s gone. No way will a much better defence mean he scores twice against you in the FA Cup and knocks you out.

‘Can’t turn down that kind of money’ 

£117m for Morgan Rogers? Daylight robbery. Tell yourself how well your club will reinvest this eye-watering sum. Ignore that no player worth that will ever sign for Villa because, despite everything, they remain a bit shit and their best chance of winning the Premier League died in April 2021 when the European Super League was cancelled.

‘It’s a chance for our youngsters’

That 17-year-old out on loan at Doncaster? He looked class in League One, bring him back and give him his chance at elite level. He’s a homegrown talent, so the fans will love him too. What? He’s not quite able to match the performance of the Brazilian international you sold? What a disappointment. Slag him off mercilessly online.

‘If he doesn’t want to wear the badge f**k him’ 

Football fans refuse to understand being a professional footballer is a job. While knowing if another employer offered to double their salary they’d be gone, they still childishly believe their team is the best and Swedish players here for the money should recognise that. Disloyalty will never be forgiven, and also Salah’s shit now, ship him out, no regrets.

‘Game’s gone’ 

When the above fail, convince yourself you’ve fallen out of love with football. It’s not what it was in your youth, when Manchester United used to win things. It’s over as far as you’re concerned, though since you’ve paid a grand on a season ticket you might as well go along anyway to hate every minute of it. Maybe Tielemans will work out. You never know.