Homeworkers with kids begin six weeks of living hell

HOMEWORKERS with children begin six weeks of an endlessly harried logistical f**king nightmare today, they have confirmed. 

Anyone accustomed to packing their children blissfully off to be somebody else’s problem for six hours is now spending all day every day with them in their workplace for a month-and-a-half.

Copywriter and mother-of-two Hannah Tomlinson said: “The way we’re going, I’m going to be issuing a full-volume screaming bollocking before noon. And this is day one.

“I’ve got bits of childcare from grandparents, my husband’s taking time off, they’re signed up for some half-arsed summer camp, but it makes no difference. They’re still here near-constantly.

“I can’t have a meeting without urgent screams from the garden. I can’t type a sentence without one of them coming in on rollerskates. I can’t read an email without a f**king beetle being put on the laptop ‘because I looked lonely’.

“And with kids around I’m having to be the homeworker I claim to be. No morning wank, no 11am spliff, no lunchtime Love Island, no afternoon wank. It’s like lockdown all over again.”

12-year-old Sam Tomlinson said: “Goading mum to the point of banning Xbox, then watching her realise she had to back down? Beautiful. And this is day one.”

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Five signs you're in a pub for dickheads

POPPED out for a pint but realised something feels a bit off? Find out if you are in a pub for dickheads with this guide.

The staff are all teenagers

Take a look at the bar staff. Is there a single member who looks like they can remember 9/11? If not then this establishment is aimed at teenagers and people in their early 20s, and therefore it’s a pub for dickheads. You’re probably being filmed right now and will become a viral TikTok star for the next five seconds.

It operates a strict no phones or wifi policy

Pubs are where you go to socialise, but that doesn’t mean they should stamp out your freedom to idly scroll Twitter when your mate’s droning on about the football again. Places which aggressively veto digital activities are aimed at miserable old bastards who also think decimalisation was a mistake. They’ve got no problem making you pay by contactless though, weirdly.

There’s no proper furniture

Balancing on a wobbly milking stool as you try to rest your pint on a pallet doubling as a table? You’re in a pub for dickheads. Consider yourself lucky that you’re drinking from a glass and not a jam jar. Just make sure you move on before you need to take a leak, Christ knows what Rube Goldberg machine they expect you to piss in.

Sport is on a massive telly

The only thing you should hear in a pub is the ambient sound of a pint being pulled and a dart thunking into a board. Background chatter is of course acceptable too. What shouldn’t be permitted is Sky Sports blaring from a 224 inch LCD TV with the volume cranked up to triple digits. Escape immediately before the moronic clientele start chanting.

Shit decoration

Walls plastered with pages from old issues of the NME? Inspirational quotes painted on the ceilings? There’s no end to the variety of shit decoration a pub for dickheads can offer. Ideally the furnishings should be so inoffensive you barely register them as you stumble to the bar. Anywhere with neon lights or crap Banksy reproductions is strictly for bellends.