How to get paid cash-in-hand for your middle-class job, by a white van driver

WORRIED about tax rises? Want to opt out of the whole system by getting paid in wads of grubby banknotes? White van driver Wayne Hayes explains how:

Get off the payroll

If you’re on the grid then the tax man’s got your number. Erase your digital identity with a quick email to IT asking them to take you off the payroll. If they ask why, give a suitably middle class excuse like it’s better for the environment or it’s for Ukraine. You people love that shit.

Work for a small business

Big companies attract way more attention from HMRC. Find a kitchen table business that needs help with SEO or business development or whatever wank you wasted three years and thousands of pounds on studying and milk them dry. Insist there’s no paperwork. Practice slipping out the back door in case the filth arrive.

Ask for your salary in a brown envelope

Preferably in unmarked tens and twenties, no fifties because nowhere takes them, every Friday rather than every month. Ideally get it handed over outside the office and out of view of security cameras, ie near the bins behind the canteen. Don’t leave a paper trail for the Inland Revenue to follow. If they can’t prove it they can’t touch you.

Blackmail your boss

Boss insisting you’re at an FTSE 100 company and brand managers must be paid through proper channels? Find leverage. Catch them in the act of sexual harrassment or fraud or if they’re too straight fit them up. Present them with the evidence and explain you’ll be taking your wage in cash from now on, and if it’s short you’ll cut them a fresh nostril.

Accept you’re a criminal

All that sounds pretty criminal? Yeah. Once you’re cash in hand, you’re outside the law. Stop paying for boring car insurance, don’t bother with planning permission, take zero accountability for your actions and have no respect for anybody. Oh and you can’t vote now, but that doesn’t matter because politicians are all the f**king same.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman does safety wee before 45-second trip to recycling bin

A WOMAN’s confidence in her bladder is so low she needs a safety wee before leaving the house for 45 seconds, she has confirmed. 

Nikki Hollis, who already urinates before any journey, has been reduced to making sure she isn’t caught short at any point during the 22-foot there-and-back trip from her own front door.

The 34-year-old said: “After you get caught short nipping to the corner shop for cooking foil, you put pissing first.

“What if I’m halfway to the recycling and the urge comes on? Do I rattle back into the house with all that stuff or squat in the front garden? It’s a choice I’m working to ensure I never face.

“I just have this recurring nightmare that I’m going to piss myself. I never have, but that’s because I take up to 80 safety wees in any given day. If there’s an opportunity to use the loo, I’m taking it.

“I’m nervous about getting married because what if I need a slash while I’m walking down the aisle? I won’t go to festivals. I avoid friends’ houses if they’ve only an upstairs one.

“I can’t even enjoy films when they’ve neglected to confirm the characters have emptied their bladders before perilous journeys. They should show James Bond taking a piss more. I’d worry less.”