Friday, 22nd January 2021

How to pad out a bullshit work email

DO you find a lot of your emails could be answered with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’, but worry it will look like you’re not earning your salary? Here are some great phrases that add absolutely nothing.

‘Thanks very much for bringing this to my attention’ 

An excellent way to start an email, by complimenting the person that sent it and taking up the best part of a line. So much longer and more professional in tone than ‘thanks’ or ‘good point’, which effectively mean the same thing. 

‘I really do see where you’re coming from on this one’ 

Why write a succinct ‘Yes’ or ‘I see what you mean’ when you can do so in a much more sincere, long-winded fashion that implies that you’ve painstakingly considered all of the issues at stake? Add in a ‘really’ for that extra bit of length. 

‘It would be greatly appreciated if you were able to…’

Or any overly polite phrasing that takes up more space than ‘Could you…’, which isn’t particularly rude or abrupt anyway so this is just waffle. Wonderful, wonderful waffle.

‘There is definitely an awful lot for us to think about here’ 

Shows that you understand the issue is complex, without bothering to offer any meaningful answers to the points raised. Conveys an image of professionalism and teamwork, but more importantly it takes up nearly a line. 

‘Having said that, on careful reflection, we’re probably still minded to…’ 

This phrase tells the recipient that you are going along with your original decision, making your email discussion superfluous. However ‘minded’ has a nice olde worlde Victorian feel and it’s a whole 11 unnecessary words. You can probably get away with pressing send now.