Families who kiss on the lips definitely weird, say scientists

A STUDY has confirmed that families who consider it acceptable to kiss each other on the lips are completely weird and creepy.

The Institute for Studies made test subjects watch a mother and her adult son greet each other with a lip-based kiss, and assessed their feelings of horror. 

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The results of this survey are some of the least surprising I’ve ever seen in my time as a scientist.

“The majority of subjects were repulsed, approximately 30 were physically sick and the rest reported long-term psychological problems such as ‘I can’t stop thinking about it’.

“Surely it goes without saying that it’s utterly demented to kiss any blood relative on the mouth? You wouldn’t playfully tickle your uncle’s nipples in any circumstances.”

One participant remarked: “The answer to ‘Who was your first proper kiss with?’ should never be ‘My mum’. Particularly if you’re still snogging them aged 30 and beyond.”

Josh Hudson, from a family that kisses on the lips, said: “That’s nothing, you should see how we say goodbye.”

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How to pretend you know about wine and don't choose it based on the label

WANT to pretend you’re knowledgeable about wine and don’t just choose it according to whichever label has the nicest picture? Here’s what to say.

‘I never drink anything with a screw cap’

Show off your superior knowledge by claiming you’d never drink anything common enough to have a screw cap. It’s bollocks, as your guests will know, but at least they get to watch you struggle to open a bottle with your stupid little ‘waiter’s friend’.

‘The legs on this are excellent’

The ‘legs’ of a wine are the streaks that run down the inside of the glass after you’ve swirled it. However, your date might not know that and will presume you’re some sort of pervert who weirdly sexualises liquids.

‘This wine is aromatic and floral’

This sounds knowledgeable whilst actually being incredibly generic. You might as well have just said ‘This wine smells like wine’ but hopefully your guests will already be too drunk to realise you’re a massive pleb.

Name some places in France

Dropping some names of wine regions as you sip, such as Bordeaux or the Rhone Valley, will make you look a true connoisseur. Read the label before you do this though, because if it says ‘Australian Shiraz’ on the label in big letters you’ll look very silly.

‘Have you ever tried a calimocho?’

Impress your friends by telling them that in Spain people drink red wine and coke, a drink called calimocho. You think you sound sophisticated and European, but it’s basically a cheap drink for shitfaced teens.