Friday, 4th December 2020

How to survive writing a covering letter

ARE you trying to explain your skills and experience without saying ‘just look at my f**king CV’? Here’s how to survive the ordeal of writing a covering letter.

Pace yourself

It’s tempting to dive in and outline how you maximised revenues during Q3 in your last job, but talking that much bollocks straight away will tire you out. Instead take it one sentence at a time. Treat yourself to a break once you’ve typed ‘To whom it may concern’. God knows you’ve earned it.

Stay hydrated

You’ll lose a lot of water while writing a cover letter as you weep tears of boredom into your keyboard, so it’s important you remember to stay hydrated. Taps are a good source of water, and so is the sky and your shower head. If worst comes to the worst go full Ray Mears and quaff your own piss.

Build a fire

This isn’t just procrastination. With luck a helicopter passing overhead will spot the blaze and swoop down to rescue you. Just don’t set your house on fire and burn what you’ve written so far or you’ll be back to square one.

Eat your own body parts if necessary

If you’re unlucky enough to find yourself wedged between your chair and your desk, don’t panic. You can always gnaw on your own limbs for sustenance until help arrives, or just hack them off like that guy in 127 Hours. Gruesome and painful, but still more fun than doing the covering letter.

Remember pain is only temporary

Remember the agonising pain of writing a covering letter will pass. To take your mind off the seemingly endless suffering, imagine the moment where you hit send and it’s emailed to your potential employer, who will notice that you’ve spelt their company name wrong and immediately bin it.