How to survive writing a covering letter

ARE you trying to explain your skills and experience without saying ‘just look at my f**king CV’? Here’s how to survive the ordeal of writing a covering letter.

Pace yourself

It’s tempting to dive in and outline how you maximised revenues during Q3 in your last job, but talking that much bollocks straight away will tire you out. Instead take it one sentence at a time. Treat yourself to a break once you’ve typed ‘To whom it may concern’. God knows you’ve earned it.

Stay hydrated

You’ll lose a lot of water while writing a cover letter as you weep tears of boredom into your keyboard, so it’s important you remember to stay hydrated. Taps are a good source of water, and so is the sky and your shower head. If worst comes to the worst go full Ray Mears and quaff your own piss.

Build a fire

This isn’t just procrastination. With luck a helicopter passing overhead will spot the blaze and swoop down to rescue you. Just don’t set your house on fire and burn what you’ve written so far or you’ll be back to square one.

Eat your own body parts if necessary

If you’re unlucky enough to find yourself wedged between your chair and your desk, don’t panic. You can always gnaw on your own limbs for sustenance until help arrives, or just hack them off like that guy in 127 Hours. Gruesome and painful, but still more fun than doing the covering letter.

Remember pain is only temporary

Remember the agonising pain of writing a covering letter will pass. To take your mind off the seemingly endless suffering, imagine the moment where you hit send and it’s emailed to your potential employer, who will notice that you’ve spelt their company name wrong and immediately bin it.

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Fun things to do in half term when you can't do anything fun

HURRAH – it’s half term! Here’s what to do when you’re not allowed to do anything you actually had planned.

A lovely outdoor playdate: There’s no better way to protect against serious flu-like illnesses than a freezing walk in the rain with a worryingly snotty-nosed child from your kid’s class. However you can skip extra hassle like a hot chocolate afterwards because you’re so sensible about avoiding the virus.

Paint rocks: Paint rocks at your kitchen table. Extremely boring, fiddly and messy, so then take your kids into London and chuck them at 10 Downing Street because this sort of shit is Boris Johnson’s fault.

Make Halloween outfits: Okay, indoor trick or treating will involve you clutching sweets behind the bathroom door, listening for the kids to ‘knock’ while they complain pathetically in their witch outfits, but it will still be fun, right?

Check the pension: A fun Maths-based activity for all the family – show the kids your pension forecast and work out if you can live on it. (Clue: you can’t.) For bonus points, get them to work out how far into your 80s the government is going to hike the retirement age.

Go to the cinema: It’s shut, but why not stand outside, point at it, and tell the kids to remember it before it’s bulldozed to make way for an Amazon warehouse or inland border control point? Use your imagination and describe a really good film they’ll never see, eg. The Predator Vs Mamma Mia.

Hibernate: Advise your kids that hedgehogs have got the right idea, tell them where the Kit Kats are, and explain you’re off to bed until at least January in order to avoid a transcendently bad few months comprised of Brexit, Covid and Trump. Take the leftover Halloween sweets with you.