Hardcore will never die, say scientists

HARDCORE rave music will outlast everything else in the universe, scientists have proved.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies tested the permanence of hardcore by putting a ‘tape pack’ from 90s rave party Fantazia into a particle accelerator.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Physicists agree that the universe, and time as we know it, will eventually come to an end. However, hardcore will never, and can never, die.

“Our experiments have demonstrated that the music of DJs like Seduction, Slipmatt, Vibes and Easygroove is immune to the rules that bind everything else in existence.

“It appears that hardcore – by which I mean jungle, happy hardcore and various types of techno – is made of special particles that reverberate at a unique frequency. Although we do not understand how or why this is possible.

“Effectively what I’m saying is, hardcore is mental.

“When the universe eventually implodes, there will still be hardcore, just banging away in the void.

“No ravers though.”

Professor Roger Penrose, 2020 winner of the Nobel Prize for Physics, said: “Hardcore will never die? We already knew that.

“I said it myself last week while listening to the seminal ‘Grooverider at Biology ’91’ mix tape.”

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Time altered to suit nation's several remaining milkmen and farmers

TIME has once again been altered because of about a dozen people who still deliver milk or grow things.

A government spokesman said: “We have to tinker with the clocks because otherwise farmers and milkmen have to get up when it’s pitch dark, and would probably crash their respective tractors and milk floats into trees.

“Never mind that supermarkets have made milk delivery and agriculture economically unviable, so only a handful of people still do those jobs.”

However farmer Roy Hobbs said: “Don’t blame me, I’ve got a torch. Also I have headlights and other forms of electric lighting.

“I have no idea why they still do this.”

However the government spokesman added: “It’s also part of our ongoing commitment to making your life as grim as possible.”