'I didn't know you existed': How to avoid getting your colleagues anything from the shops

YOU need something from the shops, but you’re surrounded by hungry, bored colleagues waiting to put in detailed requests. Here’s how to avoid being their pack mule: 

Leave unannounced 

Best done as a series of drifts; casually drift over to the water cooler, then toward the door, then out and across to Tesco Express as if the wind had carried you. You’ll be freezing without your coat, but it’s better than doing Sandra from Resources’ weekly shop. Expect looks of betrayal from your colleagues who were busy working.

Fake a phone call

Take a call on your mobile and pretend it’s an emergency – childcare, sick dog, biological warfare attack on Wales – that you have to step outside to discuss. On return admit you were so distracted by the emergency you didn’t look up until you were in Costa, where you got yourself a latte and a BLT.

Move fast

‘Anything from the shop?’ you call from the door. By the time they look up it’s swinging and empty because the moment you asked the question you f**king ran, their cries of ‘A Red Bull and are you going to the place that does satay skewers?’ lost to the wind. Ideal for those averse to looking like a selfish prick but who don’t want to run errands.


Got back to the office to find a co-worker looking tearful and broken at your inconsiderate behaviour? Everyone’s had to stop work to comfort her, and you’ve arrived with a smoothie and a halloumi wrap? Put on an aghast, panic-stricken expression and lie ‘I did offer! You must have not heard me.’ Then watch them grapple with their sanity as you tuck in.

Never leave the office

Bring in a Tupperware. Announce that you are healthy and bringing down capitalism by no longer going to the shops at lunch. Remain a prisoner at your desk, eating peanut butter sandwiches from a stained container, waiting for the moment a colleague announces they’re off out and leaping in with the list of everything you need from the shops.

Never come back

Take everyone’s orders. Starbucks and Caffe Nero? No problem, you can do both. Hayley only likes Sainsbury’s paninis but Gavin wants M&S? You don’t mind. Emily’s got a cake that needs picking up and it’s only 15 minutes walk? Sure thing. Take the money, piss off and never, ever return. They’ll keep hoping for at least a week.

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Six scandals which will need to be ITV dramas before the government gives a shit about them

TWO decades after the Post Office scandal began, the government has noticed it because it was on television. These dramas will get their respective scandals attention: 

Sea of Shite, 9pm, ITV1

A hard-hitting drama following 57 triathalon swimmers who contracted E coli while competing because the sea was full of untreated human waste. Miriam Margoyles as environment minister Claire Coffey says ‘We had no reason to doubt the water companies’ assurances that the sea was fine.’

Mone Alone, 9pm, ITV1

Four-part drama following the PPE scandal of Baroness Mone and her husband, who profited from the pandemic by supplying overpriced equipment which was unfit for use. Anne Marie-Duff plays Mone, assuring Matt Hancock he has no reason to check her credentials as a provider of vital medical equipment during a national crisis.

This Train Doesn’t Stop There Anymore, 10pm, ITV2

Dramatisation of disastrous train privatisation which left British commuters paying the highest prices for the worst services in Europe. Sir Patrick Stewart as Chris Grayling says ‘We had no reason to believe that the rail companies were anything other than dedicated servants of their passengers.’

Moscow-on-Thames, ITVX, on demand

Investigative drama following the flow of Russian money into London and their purchase of property, businesses and newspapers which allowed them to wield outsize influence on British politics even while Putin was poisoning dissidents. Brian Blessed as Lord Eugene Lebedev hisses ‘I am Boris’s mate so you have no reason to f**k with me, get it?’

The Met Ball, ITV3, 9pm

Dramatisation of the corruption within the Metropolitan Police which regularly sees them cover up shootings, corruption, lawbreaking by newspapers and Partygate. Kristen Scott Thomas as Commissioner Cressida Dick says ‘Listen, I got promoted after leading an operation that killed an innocent unarmed Brazilian. That’s just the way this shit works.’

Truss Me, I’m An Economist, ITV1, 7pm

Light-hearted comedy following the farcical misadventures of Sally Phillips as Liz Truss, the hapless minister who can’t do anything right but still gets promoted! After a hilarious two-month spell as prime minister where she kills the Queen and crashes the economy, gives all her mates knighthoods and take a £125,000 annual pension. Oddly, viewers do not find this funny at all.