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Toned gym regulars enjoying fat red-faced twat season

ATHLETIC gym regulars are savouring the annual spectable of overweight, panting new members pounding on running machines. 

Leaning back and barely sweating after a spin class, the regulars are relishing the contrast between their own perfect bodies and the puce-cheeked wobbling New Year intake using equipment upside-down.

Martin Bishop said: “That time of year again, is it? Glorious.

“I was in here on Boxing Day, in the dark, running my morning 15k, fizzing with anticipation. Knowing they were out there, munching pigs-in-blankets before turning their porcine eyes to ‘getting healthy’ and their thunderous footsteps would lead them here.

“Now they’re all in, leaving sweaty handprints on machines they regard as medieval torture devices, when the only machines they know how to operate are vending, it’s like the circus coming to town for us. 

“The best ones are in brand new Lycra over big arses being worked over by personal trainers. It’s like having your own personal PE teacher who hates you.”

Gym owner Carolyn Ryan said: “The members who stop coming by February and carry on paying for three years are the best members. The regulars are freeloading pricks.”

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All Reform UK election candidates to be XL Bullies

REFORM UK have confirmed that they will stand only XL Bully candidates in the next general election.

The party, made up of former UKIP members surfing the wave of Brexit’s ongoing wild popularity, have decided only the most dangerous of high street dogs represents their vision for Britain.

Reform UK’s leader, the animated husk of Nigel Farage’s sloughed-off skin which calls itself Richard Tice, said: “We’re suspicious of outsiders, owned by arseholes and mainly attack the vulnerable. A perfect fit.

“Britain is ready for XL Bully MPs. Just like Trumpism, the XL Bully was imported from across the Atlantic but is much loved by good solid British patriots who think everything American is better.

“It’s now as British as the Royal family, as St George, as a non-dom newspaper proprietor. Like Prince Andrew, the XL Bully is inbred, unable to sweat and best kept away from schools.

“The bottom line is: our supporters come from all walks of life but are united by all being people who post weird pro-XL Bully propaganda in a local Facebook group.”

The Reform UK candidate for South Thanet, Biggie Rex, has called for the repeal of the Dangerous Dogs Act, better provision of public parks, and mandatory gun ownership.

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