Only shared interest that matters is shagging, couples confirm

THE only thing couples need to have in common is the desire to have sex with one another, it has been confirmed.

Partners across the land are in agreement that a similar taste in films, music and hobbies is irrelevant so long as both parties are still willing to rut each other’s brains out whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Boyfriend Tom Booker said: “Having similar values and ambitions is just a polite facade. Successful relationships are built on a solid foundation of wanting to bone 24/7.

“Take me and my missus. She’s a progressive outdoorsy type who loves camping, whereas I’d much prefer to stay at home all day with GB News on at max volume. But thanks to sex we’ve been happily married for 20 years.

“Shagging’s the main thing we like to do together, and it’s pretty much all we talk about. I dread to think what our relationship would be like without it. Awkward, tense, and completely pointless, I imagine.”

Girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “Don’t worry about their job or having compatible personalities. These are petty distractions from the raw, carnal lust which happy couples prioritise above all else.

“An underlying fear of being alone forever is useful too, but f**king is where it’s at. Ideally three times a day or you might have time to realise you’re completely mismatched.”

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Tens of thousands so bored they're watching Aquaman 2

TENS of thousands of people are flocking to cinemas to see Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom because it is cold and wet and there is nothing else on.

The post-Christmas period, in which everyone is depressed, short of funds and it never gets light, has proved to be a boon for the badly-reviewed sequel to a film about a man who is friends with fish.

Sophie Rodriguez, 23, said: “I’m just desperate to get out of the f**king house.

“Like everyone who paid their tenner to see a film they know in advance will be a severe insult to the brain, I’m skint and and bored out of my mind. Couple that with Dry January and here I f**king am.

“Can I remember what happened in the last one? Christ no. I watched it at home stoned. Bunch of fish, Aquaman’s their king, big fish fight at the end. They were right to release this when we had no other options. Still, I’m ashamed to be seeing it.”

Fellow viewer Martin Bishop agreed: “This is a dead end in a failed cinematic universe with a cast whose eyes reflect the empty green screen with every half-hearted, swiftly-abandoned attempt at acting.

“It is absolutely the perfect movie for our current moment. Every time I think of it I hate myself.”