Is your co-worker trying to f**k you over? Take our quiz

MOST office workers hate each other, but is your colleague actively trying to destroy you professionally? Find out with our quiz.

How do they greet you?

A) With a venomous glance loaded with contempt and a surly nod of their head, if at all.

B) With a cheerful ‘Good morning!’ and a beaming smile, before asking about your wellbeing.

You’ve come up with a great idea, how do they react?

A) By rolling their eyes and letting out a snort of derision, before pitching the same idea in a meeting and claiming it as their own when it goes down well.

B) By enthusiastically micro-managing every detail before letting you pitch it to your boss. They’ll politely tell you that maybe it was ‘undercooked’ after it goes down badly.

What do they do on their lunch break?

A) Zap some pasta in the microwave then eat at their desk with their headphones in. It’s nature’s way of saying ‘f**k off’.

B) Join you in the canteen and pester you for a full hour asking probing questions about your home life, workload and performance results. ‘Just making sure you’re okay!’ they’ll chirp.

Do you go for post-work drinks?

A) Yes, but not together. Your colleague prefers to get home before cracking open a beer. And the best part is the absence of your company.

B) Yes, your colleague seems intent on hanging out with you at all times. After the third pint they will veer the chat towards compromising work gossip.

How do they treat your manager?

A) The same way they treat you and everyone else in the office: with open hostility that is only kept in check by the knowledge that they have a mortgage to pay.

B) Even more warmly than they treat you. They have lots of private meetings together where they’ll erupt into maniacal cackles before shooting a quick glance in your direction.


Mostly As: Your colleague is unfriendly, unprofessional, and clearly hates you, but they are not trying to bring you down. This is perfectly normal behaviour in an office environment. Get over yourself.

Mostly Bs: Your co-worker’s excessive friendliness is a red flag that they are secretly plotting your professional demise. Start polishing your CV now because it’s not long until you’ll get a sternly-worded email from HR.

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Six BBC shows given a gratuitous Jubilee twist

THE BBC is bound by law to make a big f**king deal of the Jubilee, so here are six shows it’s shoe-horning the celebration into:

The Repair Shop Jubilee Special, tonight at 8pm

Can Jay Blades and the team fix the whole broken system of constitutional monarchy by which Britain is run when the Queen brings it in? No. So they edited that out, denied it ever happened, and are repairing a clockwork dancing Coronation biscuit tin or some shit.

EastEnders, tomorrow at 7.30pm

Mick and Linda are preparing for the Jubilee when Charles and Camilla pop round. They bond instantly, Camilla loses Highgrove on a high-stakes card game, Charles admits he’s just given Lauren one over the Arthur Fowler Memorial Bench, a fight starts and everyone is miserable forever.

Jubilee Takeover at BBC News 24, all weekend

Instead of reporting actual news that matters, for example a government teetering on collapse or a country in financial crisis, the BBC’s news teams, respected the world over, will spend four days reporting meaningless monarchical pageantry as if it f**king matters.

Pointless Royal Special, Friday at 5.15pm

Richard Osman and the team attempt to work out just what the point is of a country sliding into poverty maintaining a hugely expensive dynasty of useless inbreds like a pauper keeping a golden cage of jewel-adorned poodles. Can they do it?

Strictly Come Dancing Platinum Edition, Saturday at 8.10pm

The professionals and a celebrity line-up come together for a one-off show themed around Royal infidelity. Watch Katya Jones and Evan Davies as Mrs Simpson and Edward VIII, Ben Miller and Nancy Xu as Prince Philip and a Profumo sex party ‘hostess’, and a special surprise appearance by Prince William and a friend’s wife he’s knocking off.

Peaky Blinders Coronation Special, Sunday 9pm

A very special episode of Peaky Blinders jumps Tommy Shelby forward to the 1953 Coronation. The gang have the only warehouse full of colour televisions in the country and demand is booming, but Greek mobsters are moving in. Watch blood splatter against the screen as the Queen is crowned while Tommy severs jugulars with a straight razor.