Nobody in office interested in details of boss's charity challenge

THE boss of a company has informed staff of his intention to do an endurance challenge and received no follow-up questions from anyone.

When chief operating officer Nathan Muir, aged 49, asked for a moment of his staff’s time he expected cheers, awe and promises of vast sums but instead got carefully blank faces and barely perceptible nods.

He said: “I’d been building up to the moment I announced I was doing the Swansea Bay Ironman Triathlon next year, so convened a special lunchtime meeting.

“But the big reveal got me nothing. I can’t understand why. It wasn’t from any lack of enthusiasm on my part, or the quality of the PowerPoint and spiral-bound brochures.

“I outlined the course: a mile swim, then biking out through Mumbles into the hills of the Gower peninsula, then a final 13.1k loop along the bay. I invited them along to spectate, but they were staring at their shoes and checking their phones. This is 70.2 kilometres! It is a big deal!”

Team leader Oliver O’Connor said: “So that’s a year of training, boring on about his hydration levels and telling the girls to prod his calves, frequent absences we’ll have to cover and he’s asking us to pay him £50 each.

“Sorry, it’s for charity. Though he didn’t mention which one, presumably because that’s beside the f**king point.”

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How we'd change the World Cup to make it better, by an American

HEY! American here, just heard of soccerball, willing to fix it. This is how to change the rules to make it a better sport where great countries win: 

No offside

It’s like, freakin’ what? The guy scored! He scored a goal with the ball and you’re saying it’s against the rules because of some complete other guy way over there? Because he wasn’t equidistant to the prime meridian or whatever? No way man, that was a goal. Lose that rule and thank us for it.

No red cards

You’re dismissing a guy who’s actual box office? Who’s drawing in paying customers who bought tickets to see him? And not just for that game but the game after? You know how many class action suits that’s leaving you open to? That is leaving money on the table for nothing but some bitch-ass rule and sir, that is not American.

No free kicks

This is a game for men, dammit, not dainty porcelain dolls behind glass in a museum. Your guy breaks a leg? He gets paid, there’s another guy, use your draft pick on him. None of this ‘oh, he’s injured, now you get a turn’ bullshit. He might be faking. He’s foreign.

More goals

Seriously, 90 minutes passes and I haven’t seen one goal? And you call that entertainment? Every quarter – your game has quarters now like a real one, deal with it – there isn’t a goal, another ball gets put on the pitch. You think once you get four balls out there, Ronaldo isn’t going to score a hat-rack and break records? Exactly.

Penalty shootouts every game

In basketball, objectively the second-greatest sport, it goes right to the final buzzer. Any team can win. Soccer needs that energy, so from now on every game ends in penalties. Even if you’re three goals up, like Belgium unfairly were last night, then penalties can turn all that over in an instant. Keeps audiences watching so put commercials in between.

Make it gayer

Weren’t expecting that, huh? Already thought your sport was as gay as it could possibly be? But trust me, put the players in shoulder pads, shiny helmets, tight spandex pants and begin every play with close-ups of their tight ends, and soon it’ll be so uncomfortably gay you’ll need cheerleaders to reassure the fans. Which can be monetised separately.