Security guard over the f**king moon you’ve forgotten your pass

AN office security guard absolutely loves it when he can get stuck into hassling people who have forgotten their pass, he has revealed.

Wayne Hayes lives for the moment when his incredibly boring job in the foyer of a large insurance company in Milton Keynes becomes a thrilling power trip.  

Hayes said: “Just because someone’s walked past me every day for the past six years doesn’t mean I can overlook it just this once. They might have a joined a terrorist group at the weekend.

“Yes, I do puff myself up in my cheap blazer and act like I’m guarding a top secret military base but that has nothing to do with me not getting into the police.

“I’m learning karate so if anyone gets aggressive I’ll take them down with a chop to their windpipe and a flying roundhouse kick then smash their head on the floor until the threat is neutralised.

“Admittedly that’s never happened and they normally just ring their office and get someone to come down and collect them while swearing quietly.”

Office worker Donna Sheridan said: “Bollocks, I’ve forgotten my pass. Looks like I’ll be getting pointless grief from Wayne, or ‘the wanker Vin Diesel’ as we all call him.”