Security guard over the f**king moon you've forgotten your pass

AN office security guard absolutely loves it when he can get stuck into hassling people who have forgotten their pass, he has revealed.

Wayne Hayes lives for the moment when his incredibly boring job in the foyer of a large insurance company in Milton Keynes becomes a thrilling power trip.  

Hayes said: “Just because someone’s walked past me every day for the past six years doesn’t mean I can overlook it just this once. They might have a joined a terrorist group at the weekend.

“Yes, I do puff myself up in my cheap blazer and act like I’m guarding a top secret military base but that has nothing to do with me not getting into the police.

“I’m learning karate so if anyone gets aggressive I’ll take them down with a chop to their windpipe and a flying roundhouse kick then smash their head on the floor until the threat is neutralised.

“Admittedly that’s never happened and they normally just ring their office and get someone to come down and collect them while swearing quietly.”

Office worker Donna Sheridan said: “Bollocks, I’ve forgotten my pass. Looks like I’ll be getting pointless grief from Wayne, or ‘the wanker Vin Diesel’ as we all call him.”

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Are those teenagers laughing at you?

IF a group of young people start giggling when you walk past, you could be the victim of mockery by little shits. But how can you be sure? Read our guide and find out.

What sort of trainers are you wearing?

Maybe those day-glo £165 Adidas trainers were wrong for a plump 42-year-old. Or maybe they just aren’t cool according to some arcane teenage knowledge. They’re the dicks because they’re pawns of Nike’s marketing, but they are definitely laughing at you.

Have you got a strange affectation?

Perhaps you wear a bowtie in the mistaken belief you look like a raffish intellectual, when in fact you look more like a circus clown, or simply a twat? In this case the teenagers are right.

Ditch any wanker’s style choices, including: outback jackets with a bushranger hat when you live in Birmingham, using a cane when you don’t need one and fob watches.

Is there an unfortunate thing about your appearance you can do nothing about?

You may have a general air of geekiness like Ed Miliband, or an odd, lolloping gait like a Muppet. Kids can be cruel, but let’s face it, you are pretty funny.

Have you been using outdated youth argot?

It’s possible the teenagers have overheard you yapping on your phone using outdated terms in an embarrassing way, eg. “Quentin made a lovely lasagne and we chilled out with some ganj.”

However teenagers also routinely use odd phrases like “feeling ya, bruv” so go over like a stern teacher and tell them to stop being fucking hypocrites. End your lecture if a 13-year-old girl starts crying because – ridiculously – you could look like the bully.

Are you older than 25 but riding a skateboard?

Sorry. We have no sympathy.

Conclusion: If you haven’t done any of these things your teenage tormentors are probably just laughing randomly at some pathetic bollocks like Hayley texting Liam to say Callum is ‘fake’.

However if you have in some way offended teenage sensibilities, take comfort in the fact that with their ridiculously tight jeans and gormless phone-staring they are twats too.