NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte and shy Reform UK donor George Cottrell have called other men ‘Daddy’ in professional settings, so should you? A guide:
During your annual review?
Nothing says ‘I’m ready for more responsibility’ like beginning with ‘Do you like what I’m doing, Daddy?’ Ask if you’ve been a bad boy for not maximising sales revenue and what you can do to make Daddy happier next quarter. Expect either an immediate promotion or an immediate summons to HR.
When requesting annual leave?
Instead of a tired ‘Could I have Friday off?’ try ‘Daddy, may I have permission to frolic?’ Unsettling if he’s older than you, traumatising if he isn’t. Your request will almost certainly be granted if just to remove you from the building.
When seeking a pay rise?
Research shows employees who confidently request more money are more likely to receive it. Research does not show the same for staff who say ‘Daddy, the cost-of-living crisis has made me an expensive little boy.’ Nor does it recommend ending the meeting with ‘Is Daddy proud of me?’
In the middle of a disciplinary meeting?
When he says ‘I’m afraid your expenses claim for six margaritas at Center Parcs has raised concerns’, pout and reply ‘Forgive me, Daddy’. He won’t be thinking about the margaritas anymore, especially if you follow up with ‘Is Daddy going to get his spanking slipper?’
If he’s requested it?
It’s perfectly normal for a new manager to say ‘Call me Matthew. Or Matt’. If he adds ‘Or Daddy’, immediately update your LinkedIn profile to indicate that you’re open to other, less creepy opportunities.
If you’re in a hostage situation?
The bank you work in is being robbed, it’s turned into a police siege, and the lives of your co-workers depend upon you reading out a very specific script, in which you refer to the CEO as ‘Daddy’. Then – and only then – is it okay. Be British about it and avoiding all eye contact afterwards.
If you’re a young woman?
Never, ever acceptable. Not even in the hostage situation.
