Six perfect career paths for colossal perverts

ARE you a massive sexual pervert? These careers will give you ample opportunity to indulge your seedy tastes under the guise of professionalism.

Shop mannequin dresser

Perfect for the weirdo who can’t cope with real relationships. Inanimate mannequins make very undemanding girlfriends, and they’re certainly not going to complain about your choice of fussy sexy underwear for them. Just remember not to leave any in compromising positions, eg. doggystyle. Yes, small minds may call you a pervert, but if you weren’t meant to jizz on shop dummies they wouldn’t have made Mannequin with Kim Cattrall.

Window cleaner

In any other walk of life, shinning up a ladder and staring into someone’s bedroom would get you arrested, but for you, it’s an essential part of your profession. Who knows what erotic delights await? Perhaps a pair of sweaty briefs ten feet away behind triple glazing. Phwoar. There’s only really one downside of the job: frosted glass in the bathroom.

Marriage guidance counsellor

Their sex life is nonexistent, which means you can ask about every detail of their shagging before everything went tits up. Leave no stone unturned. What positions used to work for you? Did he give you shuddering, earth-moving orgasms before you realised you hated him? Get them to ‘make a physical commitment to each other’ by kissing, right there in front of you. Just ask the odd question about if they feel ‘valued’ or who does all the domestic chores and they’ll never notice you’re a filthy voyeuristic sod. 

University lecturer

Freshers are naive, impressionable young things, so some will bizarrely be attracted to a haggard middle-aged tutor because you know a lot about bloody Beowulf, which is shit compared to Lord of the Rings. Tell the attractive ones their work shows promise, but you think they’d really benefit from some ‘one-to-one’ private tuition. The ugly ones can sink or swim. It’s not your fault they’re specky brainbox twats who went to uni.

Fitness coach

Get off on watching young, shapely women get all sweaty and panting for breath? Then this is for you. You can put your grubby little hands pretty much anywhere helping them to get in the right exercise positions – and they’ll thank you for it rather than dialling 999. If any mingers want to join, tell them you’re massively overbooked and get on with being in your own personal interactive Eric Prydz video.

Catholic priest

It’s an unfair stereotype that Catholics priests are paedos, because the Church of England is full of them as well. However, if you’re more into impressionable, gullible women, it’s good news too. They’ll see your vow of celibacy as a challenge, not realising you don’t give a toss. If all else fails, just tell them it’s what God would want. You chat with Him on a daily basis, and if they’re daft enough to believe in talking snakes they’ll swallow just about anything. There’s bound to be some ambiguous bit in the Bible that can be interpreted as fellating a priest leading to eternal righteousness and living in a mansion in Heaven with angels going ‘hark’ and all that.

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Seven godawful fashion items that should never make a comeback

FASHION is a continuous cycle where certain clothes come back into style even if they’re hideous. These unforgivable items must never make a comeback, but probably will.


Haven’t people suffered enough? Especially with jeans. Society has struggled through low-rise jeans, skinny jeans and ripped jeans – it doesn’t need jeans with excessive, billowing sails on each leg to make a comeback too. All anyone wants is a sensible pair of denim tubes to slip over their legs, is that too much to ask for?

Tank tops

Tank tops don’t tick any boxes. They look awful, go with nothing and only keep a tiny portion of your body warm. They are cottagecore gilets that have died out because they are f**king pointless. Just because our scientists could bring them back, does that mean they should? No. Leave them in the past where they belong.

Shell suits

The cyclical nature of fashion means a shell suit revival is unfortunately overdue. But then again, so is the cataclysmic eruption of the supervolcano under Yellowstone Park. Which would be worse, the nuclear winter caused by a blanket of ash clogging up the skies, or the return of gaudy nylon abominations that burst into flames if you walk too fast? It’s a tough call.


No, these do not make you look like a cool cowboy or a David Foster Wallace-esque intellectual. For most people they look laughable at best, and at worst mark you out as a twat who wants to be in a Mexican biker gang despite living in Crewe. Stick to less hideous headwear like a jester’s cap with bells or those phallic deely boppers that incredibly pissed women wear on hen dos.

Tie-dye T-shirts

Clothing should not look like it’s trying to hypnotise you or indoctrinate you into a cult. Even if you wore a tie-dye T-shirt to Glastonbury or Brighton then people would think you look like a bit of a prick, and those people wear any old shit. Leave the trippy, migraine-inducing imagery to the people who make Magic Eye pictures.


Crocs were so close to being eradicated like smallpox, but due to the incompetence of people who are happy to wear Fat Willy’s clothing they’re on the rise once again. It’s not even a fleeting ironic throwback, people genuinely think they’re comfortable and look good. Hopefully future generations will learn from our mistakes.

Anything from the 80s

The window for an 80s fashion revival has passed. This means we must never again suffer at the hands of leg warmers, lurid spandex gym gear or broad-shouldered, double-breasted business suits. Not even at a themed party or if fashion designers completely run out of ideas. Even nudity would be preferable, and in the case of attractive people, should be actively encouraged.