Miserable bands teenagers shouldn't be allowed to listen to

TEENAGERS love music that encourages them to be gloomy little self-obsessed shits. Here are some artists you should only be allowed to listen to above the age of 25.

The Cure

There are so many Cure songs about doomed relationships that the Camus-inspired Killing an Arab is a chirpy pick-me-up. Pictures of You in particular is great for teens Facebook stalking a girl at school who’s way out of their league. All you can conclude is that Robert Smith split up with a lot of goth chicks in his time. Maybe they fell out over who used all the eyeliner and volumising shampoo.

Nine Inch Nails

NIN unquestionably rock, but a typical day for Trent Reznor consists of non-stop, overwrought trauma, eg. ‘Look through these blackened eyes/ You’ll see ten thousand lies’ and ‘Dress up this rotten carcass just to make it look alive’. It definitely speaks to the self-absorbed teen, too beautiful and sensitive for the cruelty of A-levels. As for Trent, he should try worrying about something more productive, like chucking out all the manky stuff at the back of the fridge. 

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

Nick and the Seeds’ dirgy tunes are fair warning of the opaque lyrical glumness to follow. GCHQ would struggle to decipher some of the lyrics, but persevere and you’ll find them deeply un-uplifting, eg. mournful meditations on sleeping with a prostitute. What were you expecting, Nick? A day out at Alton Towers? 

The Smiths

It’s stating the obvious to point out The Smiths weren’t exactly 2 Unlimited, but they can’t really be left out of any list about gloomy tunes. There are many themes here that will really chime with teens, such as unrequited love (What Difference Does it Make?) and vegetarianism in Meat Is Murder, with its slightly hilarious lyrical variations on ‘And the [insert tasty animal here] that you carve with a smile… is MURDER!’ Of course, the true misery here will be experienced by mum, who now has to find vegetarian ready meals that taste of something.

Marilyn Manson

Marilyn mines a rich seam of being crushed by an uncaring and corrupt world, and what teenager hasn’t experienced that? There’s just no way you can save up for a car on your dad’s £45 a month allowance – WHICH INCLUDES YOUR LUNCH MONEY FOR COLLEGE! Also, Manson pretends to be JFK on the day of his assassination in the video for Coma White, and the average teen is already pretty self-obsessed, so you don’t want to give them delusions of grandeur too.


Easily the best and most listenable ‘existential dread’ band, and even people who don’t like Radiohead like Creep and Just, so frankly Thom Yorke et al can’t be as miserable as they make out. Which is absolutely perfect for the performatively alienated teenager who can mysteriously be shaken out their endless void of despair by giving them the cash to see Fast X.

Joy Division 

Actually, Joy Division had a lot of very uplifting songs and a playful sense of humour. No, just kidding. They were far more authentic in their misery than other gloomy bands thanks to poor old Ian Curtis, and managed to make late 70s Manchester look like A Clockwork Orange without the social life. Probably best avoided by teens, as it might make them genuinely miserable, and that’s the last thing they want.

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Thanks for doing a horrible little countdown, world tells media

THE world has thanked the media for keeping them fully up to date with an unpleasant and exploitative countdown.

The countdown is being repeated so frequently you could name the correct number without checking, while you are kept aware of a possible tragedy you are powerless to stop.

Martin Bishop of Leeds said: “Even the BBC keeps reminding me it’s a ‘race against time’. Thanks for that, lads. Sure there’s nothing else you could be doing?

“Why don’t you all put it as a little two-digit real-time block in the corner of your screens? Ah, I see you’re way ahead of me. Wouldn’t want to lose track after all.

“Nothing like subliminal reminders of impending horror as you go about your day, is there? Nothing ghoulish about that, it’s the news, it’s fine. As you keep saying, you’re hoping for the best!

“Oh look at that, it’s clicked over.”