Slackers, bastards and boring pricks: the colleagues everyone has over their career

NO matter what the field you work in, from architecture to zookeeping, you’ll work with arseholes. And they’ll fall into one of these six types: 

The slacker

Late, unreliable, hazy on detail, the slacker also excels in drawing you into their conspiracy. Somehow you’ll end up sharing credit on their shit projects, taking blame for delaying them and being caught by your line manager trying to get their Beyoncé tickets and you don’t even f**king like Beyoncé.

The self-elected boss

There’s the real manager, and then there’s this wanker. Convinced they wield unofficial but undeniable authority, they use it to enforce a police state and boss you around. Can be five years younger, can have been here half as long, can be shit at their job; none of it matters. They just want to demonstrate their bastard leadership credentials.

The flirt 

Has she decided her charm, looks, and openness to shagging superiors is the path to a successful career? Or does she genuinely treat any group situation as a swinging party just waiting to happen? And why doesn’t she flirt with you? Is it because you’re ugly, or just unimportant?

The boring bastard

Incapable of joining in gossip, never on nights out, always eating the same sandwich at the same time at his desk, married and mortgaged in his early 20s, his crime isn’t just being boring but being disquietingly proud of it. Openly disdainful of your belief that you’re more than just a wageslave. And ultimately, perhaps he’s right?

The absolute twat

You’ll always remember your first. There are people who get jobs to work off every grudge they hold against the world, to be as hateful as possible to every workmate, to exercise their unique brand of nastiness to ruin your day, your career or your life. You’re scowling as you think of them even now.

The judgmental prick

Believes himself above it all. Sits at his desk filing all the rest of his colleagues into pathetic little categories, pretending he’s actually an important creative while filing risk assessments for an insurance business in Lancaster. Everyone else in the office regularly goes to the pub without telling him. He never realises.

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Spanish FA chief resigns so he and Jenni Hermoso can date

SPANISH FA president Luis Rubiales has sacrificed the job he loves so he and Jenni Hermoso are free to go out. 

Rubiales has accepted that his position made his spontaneous kiss of Hermoso at the World Cup celebrations an abuse of his power, and has nobly stepped down so they can explore their burgeoning relationship.

He said: “I am a man who gives himself over passion. And if I must choose between my heart and the career I have worked all my life for? Then the career will go.

“They say that my role, effectively as Jenni’s boss, makes my kiss a crime? Then I am no longer her boss, and the obstacles to our love have been removed.

“I do not blame Jenni if she is taken aback by this magnificent gesture of romance, which must surely rank with the exploits of Don Juan. Nor do I expect her to rush directly into my arms. This is not the end of our story of love. It is only the beginning.

“Tonight I will be at El Jardín Secreto in Madrid, bearing two dozen red roses. If I know Jenni like I believe I know Jenni, she will join me there.

“And the kiss we share at the end of the evening? That, my friends, will be nobody’s business but our own.”