Teacher planning to retire on end-of-term presents

A PRIMARY school teacher has quit her job and plans to retire on the proceeds of the gifts she has received from thankful parents. 

Susan Traherne of Hereford believes she has enough boxes of chocolates, bottles of prosecco, and single orchids in pots to live comfortably for the rest of her life.

She said: “The gift bags alone will pay off my mortgage. It’s easy street for me.

“I’ve booked a couple of removal vans and a storage unit to hold it all until I can unload the lot on bulk buyers for the resale market, but I’ll be walking away with around £700,000 and change.

“Not everything’s open yet, and I’m hoping some of the heavy hints I’ve dropped for white goods and jewellery have been picked up – I’ve got a list at John Lewis – but in Celebrations alone I’m a rich woman.

“Nothing handmade. None of your crap. Any cards will be shaken to check for cash, gift vouchers and cheques and then immediately disposed of.”

Pupil Wayne Hayes, aged 10, said: “Wow. Imagine how much she could’ve got if she hadn’t been sh*t.”

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Five incredibly stupid opinions that will get you a standing ovation in the pub

DO you fancy being being popular down the pub by spouting idiotic crowd-pleasing opinions? Here are some great ones to try.

All coppers are on the take
Yes, there’s police corruption, but are they all busily taking small bribes from drunk drivers and low-level drug dealers? To make a modest profit but lose their pensions or end up in prison? It’s twaddle, but people are sure to buy you a few drinks. Cheers!

Science does not understand the weather
Based on the ‘logic’ that if ‘scientists’ couldn’t predict it was going to rain on Tuesday, all climate science must be b*llocks. Always popular with pub-going global warming deniers, and so will probably earn you a bag of crisps as well.

You can’t prove ghosts don’t exist
Also applies to: telepathy, UFOs, God, bigfoot and fairies. Say it as though it’s the last word on the subject, then sit back and sup your pint like some sort of wise man. People really like to believe in this stuff, so only the occasional smart*rse will say the onus is on you to provide evidence. 

Britain is full
It’s not, really, is it? There’s loads of space. Maybe a sensible, integrated house-building and transport policy could regenerate some areas, and… oh. Hang on. You really just mean ‘We don’t like immigrants’. Still, it’s worth at least three free drinks.

All ice cream vans sell drugs
Or any highly unlikely popular myth. Don’t bother actually thinking this through, eg. why isn’t every ice cream van mobbed with stoners? Just spout your nonsense safe in the knowledge that your gullible audience will be getting the drinks in.