BACK at school, you told your careers officer what you wanted to do. Two decades later, this is what you’re doing. How did it work out?
DREAM JOB: Pop star
ACTUAL JOB: Night shift at a distribution warehouse where sometimes you sing ‘You’re shit and you know you are’ over the tannoy when Macca’s reversed his forklift into the pallets again
DREAM JOB: Vet
ACTUAL JOB: Dog walker picking up approximately 48 shits per day
DREAM JOB: Writer
ACTUAL JOB: English teacher dealing with kids who can’t read and hate books and hate you
DREAM JOB: Pilot
ACTUAL JOB: Ocado driver who sometimes on country roads pretends he’s in a low-flying plane
DREAM JOB: Travel agent
ACTUAL JOB: Travel agent, but for some reason you thought it would involve going on holiday all the time not being stuck in a small shop on the high street booking coach trips around the Yorkshire Dales for pensioners
DREAM JOB: SAS
ACTUAL JOB: Security guard at a disused former television factory, walking around the perimeter fence watching Ant Middleton bully Wes from Love Island on your phone
DREAM JOB: Artist
ACTUAL JOB: Brand consultant, which is nothing like being an artist but there’s shitloads more money in it
DREAM JOB: Footballer
ACTUAL JOB: Manager of five-a-side pitch having arguments with red-faced middle-aged men insisting they’ve got another ten minutes and kicking a ball at your head when your back’s turned
DREAM JOB: Film star
ACTUAL JOB: Telesales, which employs a lot of the same skills for far less money and far more career stability
DREAM JOB: Careers officer
ACTUAL JOB: Unemployed on income support, because nobody hires careers officers anymore because they’re f**king useless and have no transferable skills
