Ten jobs you told your careers officer you wanted to do vs what you're doing now

BACK at school, you told your careers officer what you wanted to do. Two decades later, this is what you’re doing. How did it work out? 

DREAM JOB: Pop star

ACTUAL JOB: Night shift at a distribution warehouse where sometimes you sing ‘You’re shit and you know you are’ over the tannoy when Macca’s reversed his forklift into the pallets again


ACTUAL JOB: Dog walker picking up approximately 48 shits per day


ACTUAL JOB: English teacher dealing with kids who can’t read and hate books and hate you


ACTUAL JOB: Ocado driver who sometimes on country roads pretends he’s in a low-flying plane

DREAM JOB: Travel agent

ACTUAL JOB: Travel agent, but for some reason you thought it would involve going on holiday all the time not being stuck in a small shop on the high street booking coach trips around the Yorkshire Dales for pensioners


ACTUAL JOB: Security guard at a disused former television factory, walking around the perimeter fence watching Ant Middleton bully Wes from Love Island on your phone


ACTUAL JOB: Brand consultant, which is nothing like being an artist but there’s shitloads more money in it

DREAM JOB: Footballer

ACTUAL JOB: Manager of five-a-side pitch having arguments with red-faced middle-aged men insisting they’ve got another ten minutes and kicking a ball at your head when your back’s turned

DREAM JOB: Film star

ACTUAL JOB: Telesales, which employs a lot of the same skills for far less money and far more career stability

DREAM JOB: Careers officer

ACTUAL JOB: Unemployed on income support, because nobody hires careers officers anymore because they’re f**king useless and have no transferable skills

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World crippled by six-hour bullshit outage

THE world’s population has been left struggling to function after a six-hour blockage of the pipes that spew bullshit into their faces 24-7. 

A rupture in the bullshit supply last night meant millions worldwide were forced to look up from their phones, recognise another vaguely human shape next to them on the sofa, and haltingly attempt to interact with them.

Joanna Kramer of Hounslow said: “I was spending the evening scrolling, as I usually do, wondering if that stupid cow from my old work had tried that f**king awful dress she’d bought on. But then the scroll stopped.

“Dazed, I realised my husband was in the same state because his group chat where him and the lads share shit jokes and sexist memes was down. And our teenage daughter was weeping at being deprived of a constant stream of self-esteem destroying photos.

“We were forced to attempt ‘conversation’. If you’ve not tried it, it’s like the comments under a post but without the viciousness and emojis. Horrible.”

Tech expert Francesca Johnson said: “Six hours without constant, distracting, trivial, hateful, consumerist bullshit is more than the human mind was meant to endure. We’re lucky to have survived.

“Thankfully the technical issues have been fixed and the unending flow of bullshit has been restored. Drink deep, everyone. Never try to do without it ever again.”