The crap teacher's guide to surviving teaching

TALENTED, hardworking teachers are struggling to cope with long hours and excessive workloads. But what about Britain’s many thousands of crap teachers?

Tom Logan, who only went into teaching for the long holidays, gives his advice.

Teach a subject that’s obsolete

You knew when you were at school which subjects didn’t matter, and you know now. Ideally woodwork or metalwork. Let’s face it, no-one gives a toss how bad your teaching is when the last person in Britain making dovetail joints was replaced by a machine in 1960.

Meet pupils halfway

Make lesson plans simple and engaging. My pupils really enjoyed ‘Can you draw a dog?’, although I admit it’s not clear where it fits into the GCSE maths syllabus.

Manage your workload effectively

There isn’t time to mark every piece of work in detail, so let the child’s parents be your guide. If they look like they’ll make a fuss? Give the kid high grades. If they don’t give a shit? Low grades. It’s less work for you and perpetuates the British class system.

Learn to delegate

Classroom assistants are great people, but have you thought about delegating discipline to the school thugs? I’ve found Liam Horton and his mates will enforce a brutal reign of terror for a very reasonable fee paid in Lambert & Butler and white cider.

Use good teachers as camouflage

When skilled, motivated teachers can’t cope then it’s easy to pretend you’re one of them and your poor teaching is due to an impossible workload, not because you spend morning lessons hiding in the store room with a hangover.

Remember you’re pretty much unsackable

Teachers are leaving the profession in droves, while no new teachers are joining. Hence you’re pretty much unsackable. It’s a great morale boost going into work every day knowing you only have to maintain the most basic professional standards, eg not shagging a sixth-former.

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America to gift France hideous new plastic church

AMERICA has decided to revive its old friendship with France by giving it a garish plastic megachurch for the middle of its capital city. 

The US has remembered the lovely metal statue that France gave it for New York harbour and decided to return the favour with a huge church by the designers of Disney World.

US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said: “The best thing is, because it’s plastic, we can prefabricate the whole thing off site. They’ll just wake up in the morning and it’ll be there.

“We’re thinking something like a fairytale castle but with big neon crosses all over it to show it’s a church, and of course the various sponsor’s logos.

“The spire will look just like a 300ft baguette – those dudes love baguettes – and the roof will be retractable, so it can host open-air church services and two NFL games per season.

“And just wait until they see the Hall of Animatronic Jesuses, all the way from baby Jesus through Teen Preacher Jesus to his final, climactic battle with the Romans on Golgotha Hill. It’s a real thrillride.”

President Emmanuel Macron said: “Wow. This is, as we French say, trés merde.”