TALENTED, hardworking teachers are struggling to cope with long hours and excessive workloads. But what about Britain’s many thousands of crap teachers?
Tom Logan, who only went into teaching for the long holidays, gives his advice.
Teach a subject that’s obsolete
You knew when you were at school which subjects didn’t matter, and you know now. Ideally woodwork or metalwork. Let’s face it, no-one gives a toss how bad your teaching is when the last person in Britain making dovetail joints was replaced by a machine in 1960.
Meet pupils halfway
Make lesson plans simple and engaging. My pupils really enjoyed ‘Can you draw a dog?’, although I admit it’s not clear where it fits into the GCSE maths syllabus.
Manage your workload effectively
There isn’t time to mark every piece of work in detail, so let the child’s parents be your guide. If they look like they’ll make a fuss? Give the kid high grades. If they don’t give a shit? Low grades. It’s less work for you and perpetuates the British class system.
Learn to delegate
Classroom assistants are great people, but have you thought about delegating discipline to the school thugs? I’ve found Liam Horton and his mates will enforce a brutal reign of terror for a very reasonable fee paid in Lambert & Butler and white cider.
Use good teachers as camouflage
When skilled, motivated teachers can’t cope then it’s easy to pretend you’re one of them and your poor teaching is due to an impossible workload, not because you spend morning lessons hiding in the store room with a hangover.
Remember you’re pretty much unsackable
Teachers are leaving the profession in droves, while no new teachers are joining. Hence you’re pretty much unsackable. It’s a great morale boost going into work every day knowing you only have to maintain the most basic professional standards, eg not shagging a sixth-former.