How to pretend there's such a thing as being completely English

DEVASTATED to learn Stonehenge was built by Turkish migrants with imposing moustaches? Here’s how to reassert your fantasy that being a pure-blood English native is a thing:

Know fuck all about history

The Normans? Don’t know. The Celts? Probably not. The Anglos? Who the fuck are they? The Saxons? Yeah, they sound tough. The Vikings? Can’t get more English than them. Wait, what?

Claim to embody ‘English’ stereotypes

Putting up with rain, queuing, speaking no other languages and fish ’n’ chips are all definingly English. And you’re proud of that, are you.

Believe in King Arthur

King Arthur, Robin Hood, Banksy; all these quintessentially English figures loom large in the imaginations of confused racial purists. However it’s important to remember Camelot was a myth, a representation, a load of made-up bollocks.

Get a St George’s Cross tattoo

Saint George was so English that he became the patron saint of England except he was actually Turkish. Ekrem who runs the kebab shop in the town centre has the patience of a saint and is Turkish. You should get a tattoo of him.

Join a far-right hate group

To reinforce your belief that you are superior because you were born on a small, wet island, join the English Defence League and spend all your time fighting in pub car parks.

Take a DNA test

Passionately believe in your unadulterated Englishness? Take the test. You’ll find out your DNA is Irish, French, Polish, Dutch and the police want to talk to you about a burglary with traces matching your genetic profile in 2006.

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Are you in a sham marriage or is your marriage a sham?

SHAM marriages are usually done to secure citizenship in the UK and are illegal, while marriages that are just a bit of a sham are a lot more commonplace and somehow not illegal. But which one are you in?

Did you invite anyone to your wedding?
A. No. Because all my friends live in the far away land that I grew up in.
B. No. Because even though all my mates live locally, they all, rightly, hate my partner.

Who was the best man?
A. The bloke who says he owns me.
B. The bloke who owns the company I work for.

Did you have a free bar?
A. Indeed, the bar was freer than I am.
B. Indeed. If only so the large amounts of free liquor could take my mind off the huge mistake I’d just made.


Mostly As: Yes, it’s a sham marriage but what marriage isn’t?

Mostly B’s: Yes, again. Your marriage is sham but at least you won’t have to worry about the Home Office coming after you.