Celebratory drinking sessions completely ruin celebrations

CELEBRATING good news by drinking alcohol always ends up blotting out the good news with the effects of alcohol, researchers have confirmed. 

Studies of more than 200 weddings, graduations and after-work drinks following a promotion proved that the drift from happy occasion to tears, recriminations and fights is as unstoppable as gravity.

Recently engaged Tom Logan said: “After an incredibly romantic moonlit proposal on the beach, my new fiancee and I had a celebratory bottle of champage which turned into three bottles with Jägerbomb chasers.

“Within an hour we were locked in a blazing row about whether her mum would be singing the Titanic song at the ceremony and why couldn’t I pick that nice Ethan as my best man instead of Big Dog Stu.

“She stormed off and snogged a waiter and I went out and crashed a Segway into a tree. It took us two days of sifting sand to find the engagement ring.

“We’d been so happy and neither of us really cared about that stuff, but booze has an insidious way of making the most joyful of situations into a drunken row.”

He added: “Alcohol-free wedding? Are you fucking joking? It’s a celebration.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Was this the bus journey from hell or just a bus journey?

WERE you on the bus journey from the depths of Hades itself, or just a harrowing, soul-crushing everyday British bus journey? Find out: 

Who were your fellow passengers?

A) The weeping, snivelling downtrodden dregs of the damned, staring aghast at the horrors and devastation around them.
B) A bunch of seemingly dead people, in headphones.

How was the bus?

A) Simultaneously burning hot and terribly, painfully cold, overcrowded and desperately lonely, each moment identical to the last stretching to eternity.
B) I’ve been on worse. It wasn’t a rail replacement bus, for example.

What did you drive past?

A) Lakes of fire, torture pits, a kind of burning rollercoaster made of the living, suffering flesh of the sinful, the river Styx, demons.
B) The windows were all smeared and steamed up. Nobody ever looks out of them, anyway.

Who was the driver?

A) A skeleton permanently ablaze but never consumed who suffers now in death for the many terrible crimes he committed in life.
B) Keith.


Mostly As: Great news; you were on the bus from hell and have now left hell and are back in the realm of the living. Bad news: you’re in Swindon.

Mostly As: Great news; it was just a normal bus journey, but you missed your stop in Swindon and now it goes direct to Hell.