Thursday, 13th May 2021

Environment 'could have been saved years ago if protesters didn't look like twats'

THE biggest obstacles to saving the planet are the clothing and physical appearance of environmental protesters, research has found. 

Surveys found most people would support radical green policies if fewer environmentalists resembled New Age travellers and post-apocalyptic children’s entertainers.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “For years we’ve wondered why the climate change message wasn’t getting through. We now realise the answer was ‘white people with dreadlocks’.

“The planet is facing destruction, but when the person telling you that is a heavy weed-smoker called ‘Loz’ who plays the bongos it’s very difficult to believe it.

“Honestly, put an environmentalist in a suit and you’ll have a roomful of Tories agreeing that we should ban private car ownership within a day. Do the same with pink hair and facial piercings and they want coal back.”

But eco-warrior Emma ‘Woodgod’ Bradford said: “If it’s the choice of the planet dying of overheating or me wearing a tailored suit from M&S?

“I can’t compromise who I am. These tie-dye trousers and knitted Peruvian hat are the world to me.”