The office brown-nosers guide to managing up

BEING a tireless busybody doesn’t have to be purely at the expense of your harried co-workers. Here’s how to put the squeeze on your boss and land that well-earned raise.

Start hosting team meetings for no reason
Senior management types usually run these things because they’ve been on special courses about how to herd groups of people. But hijacking team meetings is a great way to show off your relentless organisational skills to your boss. It’s also a good way to undermine their fragile position of dominance in preparation for your ascent to power.

Be overly critical of things beyond your remit
Delivering feedback can be tricky, so what better way to soften the blow than to give it to someone completely beyond your sphere of influence? They’ll be too startled to answer back, and their knocked confidence will make them easy to manipulate in the future. Plus you’ve just saved your boss from doing the dirty work.

Always ask questions at the end of a meeting
Towards the end of a meeting you’ll usually see slackers checking their watches in a bid for freedom. Show your boss who’s boss by asking a question about something that’s already been clearly explained. Bonus brown-nose points if this is during a meeting you’ve hosted yourself.

Arrange ‘fun’ activities where you can take credit for things
Managing up doesn’t have to be limited to working hours. Make lunch breaks more fun for your boss by arranging social trips where you can outline your achievements during Q3 over a Nando’s house salad. Be sure to let the entire office know that it happened once you return three hours later.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

New couple enters 'taking up entire f*cking pavement' stage

A COUPLE has entered the stage where their sickening hand-holding is obstructing the whole pavement.

Tom Booker and Donna Sheridan progressed from the honeymoon period to the pavement blocking period last weekend in a direct challenge to people who would like to be somewhere on time.

Pedestrian Martin Bishop said: “It’s always something you think will happen to someone else. But then one day you turn the corner in a mad rush top up your electricity key before the shops close, and you’re confronted by a pair of bastards.

“Hands intertwined, arms outstretched across the pavement at the perfect height to clothesline a child or a tall dog. Why aren’t they rotting in jail?”

Clingy boyfriend Booker said: “We know exactly what we’re doing. We’re on our way to get more condoms so we can go back to banging loudly with all the windows open.”