The shit-stirrer's guide to catching up on office politics

ARE you worried that working from home has made you fall behind in your duties as a toxic office nuisance? Regain lost ground with these tips:

Say your colleagues are ‘looking well’

This veiled insult is the quickest way to undermine someone’s confidence. Superficially it’s a compliment, but really you’ve just implied they normally look terrible. Say it with great surprise, hinting that they are unhealthily fat, might have a drink problem, or are just hideous to look at. 

Organise 1-2-1 meetings

The divide and conquer of office politics. Get your hapless colleagues into a meeting room on their own and extract all of their flaws and weaknesses while pretending to be sympathetic. Pass on these shortcomings to your boss in a devious way, eg. “It’s a shame Lucy hates working here”, when all she said was she gets bored doing spreadsheets.

Suggest your boss fires someone

Become an agent of chaos by just casually putting it out there to your boss that the team could save money by trimming some of the professional fat. However make sure you’re buddies with your manager or you might find yourself fired for being a twat who wastes all their time on office politics.

Sign off every email with ‘regards’

This will create a whiff of aloof condescension that will linger in people’s minds. Do you like the recipient, or do you hate them? It’s impossible to tell and that’s just the way you like it.

Host a bake sale

A fantastic opportunity for passive-aggressive office politics. Force everyone into a deceptively fun task then criticise every facet of their effort like a corporate Paul Hollywood. Meanwhile you can look good by passing off an M&S rainbow layer cake as your own and saying “it was nothing really”.

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Which BBC star would you like to see fired for their tweets?

NEW BBC boss Tim Davie has said that BBC stars could be fired over controversial tweets. So who would you like to see sacked? 

Gary Lineker

Bland and popular Match of the Day presenter Lineker is the face of football, the people’s game. But unlike ordinary people he is a Remainer. Without his sly undermining of national pride, England would undoubtedly have won the last two Euros and a World Cup. 

Laura Kuenssberg

The political editor of BBC News regularly criticises the government even though they are only trying their best in difficult circumstances. However others feel she openly supports the Tories. This proves she is biased against both sides and needs to be sacked twice.

Danny Dyer

The EastEnders star has largely quit Twitter after discovering the platform is for ‘facking muppets’ and ‘nonces’, but can still be fired for historical tweets like most people are. A quick scan of his timeline reveals him to be uncouth, anti-Trump and aggressive to ducks. Also he has made a lot of shit films.

Richard Osman

Thinks he’s so clever, with his quiz shows and his World Cups of chocolate bars and being too bloody tall. Smug wanker. He probably votes Labour. Or even Green. 

Gary Lineker again

Let’s face it, most BBC stars tweet bland shit nobody disagrees with or use their accounts to help charitable causes. It’s f**king Lineker that’s got us all in a froth, with his pretence of being nice and reasonable while openly espousing left-of-centre views. Shut up and drone on about Pudsey Bear, Gary.

Laurence Fox

Tim Davie doesn’t mean decent stars like Lozza, who called Black Lives Matter a ‘supremacist cult’, should be fired. He’s a breath of fresh air winding up the Wokerati. It’s that pious bastard Lineker who needs giving the boot. Bring back Ron Atkinson.