Saturday, 24th October 2020

The shit-stirrer's guide to catching up on office politics

ARE you worried that working from home has made you fall behind in your duties as a toxic office nuisance? Regain lost ground with these tips:

Say your colleagues are ‘looking well’

This veiled insult is the quickest way to undermine someone’s confidence. Superficially it’s a compliment, but really you’ve just implied they normally look terrible. Say it with great surprise, hinting that they are unhealthily fat, might have a drink problem, or are just hideous to look at. 

Organise 1-2-1 meetings

The divide and conquer of office politics. Get your hapless colleagues into a meeting room on their own and extract all of their flaws and weaknesses while pretending to be sympathetic. Pass on these shortcomings to your boss in a devious way, eg. “It’s a shame Lucy hates working here”, when all she said was she gets bored doing spreadsheets.

Suggest your boss fires someone

Become an agent of chaos by just casually putting it out there to your boss that the team could save money by trimming some of the professional fat. However make sure you’re buddies with your manager or you might find yourself fired for being a twat who wastes all their time on office politics.

Sign off every email with ‘regards’

This will create a whiff of aloof condescension that will linger in people’s minds. Do you like the recipient, or do you hate them? It’s impossible to tell and that’s just the way you like it.

Host a bake sale

A fantastic opportunity for passive-aggressive office politics. Force everyone into a deceptively fun task then criticise every facet of their effort like a corporate Paul Hollywood. Meanwhile you can look good by passing off an M&S rainbow layer cake as your own and saying “it was nothing really”.