Couple instantly fall out of love after not holding hands for two seconds

A COUPLE have realised that they are not in love anymore after briefly being forced not to hold each other’s hands, they have confirmed.

After momentarily letting go of each other’s tender grasp to make room for a passing pedestrian, Ryan Whittaker and Kelly Howard felt that the spark had fizzled out of their relationship.

Whittaker said: “They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but two seconds apart from Kelly made me realise we have nothing in common and our love is built on a foundation of lies.

“The instant our hands parted I could feel my love for Kelly drain out of me like a big wee. And judging by the touch of her cold, clammy claw when we were finally reunited, I could tell the same thing had happened to her.”

Howard said: “This is why we never usually make room for other people and prefer to hog as much public space as possible with our nauseating affection.

“That and we both get a sick kick out of making people walk around us while tutting. It’s probably what attracted us to each other in the first place.”

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Rees-Mogg 'would get his nuts kicked on a daily basis in real world'

IF Jacob Rees-Mogg was not an MP he would be subjected to daily assaults by his co-workers and random people, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies examined Rees-Mogg’s recent behaviour, such as playing ‘Rule Britannia’ in the Commons, and concluded that in a different scenario he would be a frequent victim of kicks to the testicles.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s fortunate that Jacob chose to become a Tory MP and can ponce around pretending to be an 18th century lord of the manor when in fact he’s just a rich oddball with personality issues.

“Were he to do this in an office or a warehouse, a few weeks of his fey, pretentious, arrogant crap would cause his colleagues to develop an uncontrollable urge to kick him in the nuts.

“Even in a likeable role such as nurse, once he started annoyingly quoting the classics patients would be scrambling out of bed to boot him in the groin.”

Brubaker’s team concluded that Rees-Mogg should continue to be a tosser in his own little bubble, and definitely not get a job in Sainsbury’s in case customers started jumping over the Covid screens to get at him.

Rees-Mogg said: “What egregious nonsense. Just yesterday I was having a delightfully patronising discourse with a plebeian boiler engineer. Then he kicked me in the nuts.”