Twat thinks lying is what successful people do

A MAN has somehow got the idea that it is normal to lie about things to get what you want in life.

Sales executive Martin Bishop has absorbed too much competitive bullshit from programmes like The Apprentice and now thinks massive porkies are a valid way of getting ahead.

Co-worker Emma Bradford said: “Martin proudly told me that he just makes up stuff on his CV. Apparently he didn’t work for MI5 in 2010, he was deputy manager of a Chicken Cottage.

“What really left me gobsmacked was that he does it in his personal life. He told a woman he went on a date with he earns ‘a cool 300k’. If he did surely he’d move out from his mum’s?

“Does everyone do this now? I think it’s about time I increased my employability by adding a few PhDs and maybe claiming I invented the iPhone.”

Bishop said: “I see nothing wrong with telling people I used to be an RAF fighter pilot or ran a successful wine importing business. It just gives me a competitive edge over people who tell the truth.

“It can lead to the odd problem, like when when my ex poured boiling coffee in my lap because she’d been on my Facebook page and there weren’t any pictures of my helicopter.”

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Five great ways to obstruct people in public

DO you like pissing people off with your big rucksack or stupid little dog on a massive lead? Here’s how to take being a pain in the arse in public places to a new level.

Stop at the top of an escalator

There’s no way people using an escalator could be in a hurry to get somewhere, so stop, relax and take in the view. Perhaps have a conversation with your companions, or generally dick around. That won’t make people want to punch you very hard.

Wear a fucking massive rucksack

A huge rucksack is the classic item for hitting people in the face every time you turn round. Refuse to take it off on the bus and get one made from extra scratchy material for the maximum effect when people get a faceful of it.

Stand in a doorway

Stopping just the other side of a threshold so that the person behind can’t help but bump into you is superb. Bonus points if you turn and glare at them as if they’re the irritating fuckwit.

Dawdle along with a pushchair, a toddler and a dog

You’re living a perfect middle-class existence, so why not share it with people who might need to go somewhere urgently? Turn busy streets into an obstacle course, particularly if you’re just ambling to Waitrose for a pot plant to kill some time before ‘wine o’clock’.

Stand in a group of bantering twats

Whether you’re outside a pub or just blocking the pavement whilst absorbed in your own bullshit, everyone trying to get past hates you. Be even more annoying by treating people to snippets of obnoxious lad conversations about celebrities you would ‘do’.

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