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'Who are you?' and other truthful messages for office leaving cards

OFFICE leaving cards are a cruel sea of lies and mistruths. Here’s what would be written if they weren’t sparing your feelings: 

‘Who are you?’

I didn’t even know who this card was for even when they pointed you out. Pretty sure we’ve never spoken in five years apart from when the photocopier jammed. You weren’t any use then either.

‘I wrote best wishes first’ 

I bought the card, I get to write the easiest, lamest sentiment. Everyone else is going to have to put some effort in because if they write ‘best wishes’ now they’ll look like they’ve just copied me.

‘Quite frankly you won’t be missed’ 

It’s an office. All kinds of legends who used to work here are now completely forgotten, and you weren’t them. Even Derek in accounts wasn’t bothered and he’s so desperate he invited the bloke who runs his chippie to his 40th birthday.

‘I’ve got to do all your work now, you bastard’ 

On top of the work I’ve already got. So I’ll be getting home at 7pm every night and will miss out on my children growing up. I hope your new job’s shit, you selfish life-ruining prick.

‘Perhaps there is hope’

If even a twat like you can con an interviewer and get out of here, then there’s hope for the rest of us to escape this circle of Hell.

‘We only got on as colleagues’ 

We had fun, me working while you dicked about. It was a laugh seeing you every day, but only in an environment where I couldn’t see my real friends. We’re not going to be meeting for drinks. We’d have nothing to say.

‘I am trapped here forever’ 

I can’t get my shit together to write a CV so I’ll be here till the day I die, doing the same crap day-in, day-out. I wanted to be a marine biologist but I got shit A-levels so I’ll spend my life in the arse-end of an industrial estate filing paperwork so the boss can have three foreign holidays a year.

‘Thanks for showing me how to fiddle expenses’

And chuck sickies, and who’s who in office politics, and how to disable internet monitoring and throw colleagues under the bus for your mistakes. I’ll properly miss you.

Walkers shortage may lead to Britain eating much better crisps

A SHORTAGE of Walkers Crisps may lead to Britons eating other crisp brands that taste much nicer, experts have warned. 

The leading crisp manufacturer has admitted that production will not be able to meet demand for the rest of November, leaving snackers with no option but to eat crisps which do not leave a foul greasy film over their whole mouths.

Crisp fan Tom Logan said: “A month without crisps that come in 600 different flavours and brands but all taste exactly the f**king same? This is a disaster for Walkers.

“Ever since their Lineker-enforced hegemony began in the 1990s actual proper crisps have become a niche item. Especially in the Midlands, as if those poor bastards haven’t suffered enough.

“Decent crisps have either fled to family sharing bags or are only available in regions, like brave hold-outs against a dictatorship. Everywhere you turn it’s Walkers or Walkers’ Sensations or horrible American Doritos.

“For a month we can enjoy flavourful, thrilling crisps. Our mouths will tingle to Seabrook or Tyrrell’s or beautiful Taytos. The whole nation will realise Walkers are a pale, tasteless mockery of God’s own food.

“Then Walkers will be back in the shops and we’ll buy them again, because we’re a nation of shit-eating twats.”