IT’S time for your annual performance review and your boss can’t be arsed lying. Here are the facts:
Attendance
Mostly you were here. That’s grudgingly treated as a positive. You did pioneer a new leave-early-return-late lunch-break system, and there were a fair few absences before HR explained that a positive Covid test no longer meant ten days off, especially if it was from someone else’s Instagram.
6/10
Problem solving
We’re still not seeing any breakthroughs on remembering to include the f**king attachment before you send the f**king email.
2/10
Organisation and time management
File names like ‘ks6 final draft FINAL 1’ and folders called ‘Work stuff’ seem a perfectly clear system to you. Apart from when you need to find something and spend an afternoon checking every file one by one. Excellent timewasting.
7/10
Customer experience
Those outside of the organisation were taken aback with just how well you juggled achieving the bare minimum with looking completely dead behind the eyes. Customers didn’t even complain. They knew it wouldn’t get through.
10/10
Innovation
This was the year you were a beacon of creativity, constantly making more with less. Who else could have crunched the numbers and realised that nobody answers emails after 3.20pm, so if they’re sent then you’re unable to complete tasks until the following day?
9/10
Leadership
Your opinion carries weight in this company. When you turned down post-work karaoke because of ‘an early start’ more than a dozen other employees followed suit with similarly shit excuses, preventing a truly tragic evening and saving management hundreds of pounds.
7/10
Communication
We logged 284 conversations about the weather, 258 about how tired you were, and the maximum 48 ‘thank f**k it’s Friday’. You’re incredibly dull. Nobody wants to talk in case you chip in. Huge productivity boost.
10/10
