Brad Pitt's Twelve Days of Christmas

Twelve days of Christmas. Twelve Monkeys. Ocean’s Twelve. Oh God, what’s the point?

On the ninth, tenth and eleventh days of Christmas my true love gave to me my luck, my fate, my fortune. I wish I was dead.

Eight maids a milking. If I lay here. If I just lay here.

On the seventh day of Christmas, I went to your house. I tried to taste the life of a simple man. It didn’t work.

On the sixth day of Christmas. Mazel tov.

On the fifth day of Christmas. What do you get the man who has everything (and nothing)? A CD by Maroon Five? A carton of Five Alive?


I think you know what my true love got for me. It comes in a glass bottle, it’s made by Chanel and it’s for ladies. It is at once perplexing, ominous, terrible. Watch, I can communicate it to you wordlessly…

*sad face*

On the first, second, third and fourth days of Christmas my true love gave to me a whole bunch of different kinds of birds. Why the hell would she do that? Every second spent looking after birds is a second closer to death. Plans disappear, dreams take over. It’s not a journey. Every journey ends but we go on. What’re you talkin’ about, Thelma?

Let’s not get caught.

What do you mean?

Let’s keep goin’?

You sure?


I’ve wet myself. Inevitable.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Liverpool face tough bigotry test

ZENIT St Petersburg will pose Liverpool FC a massive bigotry test, admits manager Brendan Rogers.

The two teams were drawn in the Lidl Champions League, and Liverpool face an uphill battle to prove themselves the more racist and homophobic team.

Rogers said: “I’ve got the lads watching old Bernard Manning tapes to work on their pin-eyed hatred and we’re travelling to a rural pub in Yorkshire tomorrow with a gay dance troupe from Namibia to study how the locals react.

“People have been bigging up this club’s intolerance and Zenit are a massive challenge as they’re so suspicious of outsiders they blew up their own airport to stop any strangers coming to town.

“We’re having to get a coach there. You cannot buy that level of commitment to being a small-minded moron. Unless you’re Chelsea, obviously.”

Zenit fans recently wrote to their board insisting they never sign black or gay players. Previous requests for things they don’t want at their ground have included ‘anyone who eats salad’ and ‘anyone who has been to an art gallery’.

Liverpool are hoping the racism of Suarez combined with the homophobia of Suso will be enough to see off Zenit but admit this might falter in the face of 65,000 drunk Russians armed with road flares.

Rogers said:”If all else fails we can get the lads to call everyone in the stands ‘Boris’ and offer them a bottle of vodka. Expensive and time-consuming but a really comprehensive stab at being a xenophobic arse.”