I'm Having A Picnic And Everyone's Invited!

By David Cameron

GLOBAL warming is a threat to us all. I'm really serious about this. It will cause untold misery for millions across the globe and change the way we live, for ever. But in the meantime it does mean lots and lots of lovely weather. And what's the absolute best thing to do when the sun shines? Have a picnic!

My wife Sam and I have been talking about it for a couple of weeks and we just decided, "what the hell," let's go for it. But we didn't want to leave anyone out so you're all invited. We've borrowed Somerset from a couple of friends and we really hope you can make it.

And when I say everyone, I really do mean it. That includes you lot 'Oop North', with your funny voices and your funny stories. You're so full of life, always stealing things or damaging things or blaming other people for your misfortune. I know you're on incapacity benefit, but I'm sure your legs will start working again when there's free beer on offer. What characters!

We want all you Scots there too. We love the Scots, with your funny voices and your funny stories and PLEASE DON'T HIT ME! Just kidding. We love going to Scotland and buying interesting little souvenirs, tasting unusual food and haggling with the locals. Last year we visited a place called 'Paisley' (you'll have to look up the pronunciation) and we couldn't believe that a place with such friendly and charming people could also be so poor and horrid. It moved us so deeply that we decided to sponsor a child there, and you should do the same. (And I promise this year I'll learn to speak a few words of Scottish!)

And how could it be a picnic without the Welsh? You're so warm and welcoming with your funny voices and your funny stories. Always complaining so musically and gossiping so viciously. But remember, you'll be out in the countryside and those animals don't belong to you. I'm not getting into trouble with the farmer because of you lot. You know what I'm talking about!

Last, but by no means least, we really want to see all you women there too. Bring a pie. I love women with their funny voices and their funny stories. You and my wife Sam will get along really well. You can slosh back gallons of white wine and chatter away all afternoon about handbags and marinades and shampoo, and how you manage to juggle having a career and an Aga. If you ask me you're all Wonder Woman!

So there we are. Everyone's invited (except the Irish, obviously) and it would be marvelous to see you all there. But don't forget, we've got a planet to look after so do try and come by train or bus, or even better get on your bike. (And I suppose you lot 'Oop North' could even steal a horse – ha ha!). See you in Somerset on the 26th!

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One Woman's Week: The Path To True Love

By Karen Fenessey

LAST night, I went to a live gig in a dingy little bar in the city centre. I’d rather not spend my evenings in some dark, sticky dump surrounded by penniless, drug-smoking layabouts, but I had an obligation to be there, because my boyfriend, Donny, is a singer/songwriter in a band.

Donny tries very hard to be a real man, and – with my help – he has come on so far in recent months. But to be honest, Donny isn’t the young, handsome, available god he thinks he is.

He is approaching late middle age, and is a qualified legal worker. If he could only get his head out of the clouds and stop pogo-ing around a stupid stage with his mediocre “retro” band, then he could have a full time position in a legal firm in a year.

The next year, he might even be a proper lawyer, and the year after that probably a partner in the firm and earning thousands of pounds a week (after tax). Donny took the liberty of dedicating his last song to me, but to be honest, it just made him look even more like a total prick. Does he think that I am so naïve that I will be won over by some pathetic naming ceremony?

The other reason I am making it my mission to destroy his juvenile hobby (and that’s just what it is, because it will NEVER be his career) is that he used have a relationship with the bass player (a girl). Who does this whore think she is? She came up to me some weeks ago and spun some shit about how her and Donny were ‘just friends’ and how she had a ‘new boyfriend’ now, and ‘lives with him’.

But frankly, I don’t give a shit how many years it’s been since they were together, or how many student scum lovers this tart has – there is NO WAY two people can just go back to normal after they’ve shared a bed. When I finish with a former partner, I want that person to get the fuck out of my face FOREVER and I probably wouldn’t even care if they got stabbed.

I can sing, I can write, I can dance and I can put on make-up better than that slut. So why on earth does he insist on keeping her in his life? (Plus, I am a professional teacher and have a degree).

It is just a matter of time before Donny, and his mother, realise just how right I am about him. I would make a fine wife for him, bear sons for him, die for him or even take a bullet for him. How many men can say that about their women (really)?

It’s true what they say: women are simply more emotionally mature than men, and if Donny needs me to shepherd him out of the darkness and into the boat of true love, then I will stop at nothing until I have done just that.

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