It's War!!! Dutch Flood Scotland With Cheap Pornography

THE Dutch have launched their first salvo in the war with Scotland by flooding the country with cheap, low-grade pornography.

Hundreds of container loads of grainy 1970s films and magazines printed in back and white have been smuggled in via Leith, Rosyth and the fishing ports of the North East.

Senior Scottish Executive officials say the porn campaign is a crude attempt to distract Scotland's forces from the imminent invasion of the Netherlands.

First Minister Alex Salmond was scathing in his dismissal of the latest display of Dutch cowardice and guile.

"If they think that Scotsmen would rather lie around all day drinking Jack Daniels and coke and staring at nude ladies, instead of getting out there and fighting for some vague political cause, then they don't know the Scotsmen that I do.

"They must have come across some very dirty, lazy Scotsmen if they think that this is going to work."
But Dirk Van Poomf, spokesman for the Dutch consulate, insisted the vast quantity of pornographic material arriving by boat consisted of tens of thousands of valid orders placed in Scotland over the last month.

"Do you want receipts? 'Cause I'll show you receipts," he said.

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Romanov Turns A-Listed Treasure Into Garden Centre

HEARTS chairman Vladimir Romanov is to transform the old Royal Bank of Scotland headquarters in Edinburgh into the city's first A-listed discount garden centre.

Romanov, the Lithuanian tycoon who bought Hearts FC by mistake in 2005, will fill the 19th Century architectural treasure in St Andrew's Square with peat-free compost, gravel and bedding plants, all guaranteed to be at least 10% cheaper than Dobbies and Homebase.

"Garden centres are my first love," said Romanov. "Football is a game for women and children but gardening is the stuff of heroes. In my culture working with compost and trowels is the definition of masculinity.

"I will show these so-called Scottish men how they can impress their women. Buy gravel, grow pansies, share your compost with the local beggar. The poets will immortalise you!"

The St Andrew's Square purchase is the first step in Mr Romanov's expansion programme.

Later this year he plans to transform the east wing of the Royal Museum of Scotland into a timber and plumbing merchants while the knave of St Giles' Cathedral has been earmarked as the capital's first specialist turf warehouse.