THE Dutch have launched their first salvo in the war with Scotland by flooding the country with cheap, low-grade pornography.
Hundreds of container loads of grainy 1970s films and magazines printed in back and white have been smuggled in via Leith, Rosyth and the fishing ports of the North East.
Senior Scottish Executive officials say the porn campaign is a crude attempt to distract Scotland's forces from the imminent invasion of the Netherlands.
First Minister Alex Salmond was scathing in his dismissal of the latest display of Dutch cowardice and guile.
"If they think that Scotsmen would rather lie around all day drinking Jack Daniels and coke and staring at nude ladies, instead of getting out there and fighting for some vague political cause, then they don't know the Scotsmen that I do.
"They must have come across some very dirty, lazy Scotsmen if they think that this is going to work."
But Dirk Van Poomf, spokesman for the Dutch consulate, insisted the vast quantity of pornographic material arriving by boat consisted of tens of thousands of valid orders placed in Scotland over the last month.
"Do you want receipts? 'Cause I'll show you receipts," he said.