One Woman's Week: Caster And Bollocks

By Karen Fenessey

PEOPLE often say to me 'Karen, you've got some balls!' They put the emphasis on the word 'some' meaning that I am a woman to be reckoned with. However, for poor Caster Semenya, the people saying it are doctors and they put the emphasis on the 'balls' part. But I believe Caster could learn a valuable lesson from this hiccup, as could we all.

It is said that 'sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me' – even when the names are things like 'speedy munter' and 'sweaty-bollocked sprint fuck'. When people called Barack Obama a 'stoopid n****r', he just rose above it like a real man and that's exactly what Caster needs to do. There's still time to 'Jade' this whole thing yet. Just because her Olympic dream is over doesn't mean to say it's the end: there could be a new exciting avenue for her in the lesbian market, just like there was for Jane Torville.  Or she could get a job in a sport where questionable gender is actually an advantage, such as a jockey. It could be like Outkast in the video for Hey Ya. Sometimes I think I should be a life coach.

And there are implications for the rest of us too. In fact, one of my own life's mysteries has been solved in the wake of Caster's problem. I played Goal Keeper for my university netball team and without wanting to draw attention to myself, my weekly performances were the stuff of legend. So it was only right that I coached my P2 girls in this valuable skill.  But one girl, Hannah Gunn, somehow managed to get one past me as I demonstrated my defensive skills. I was never able to explain this until now. It's true I'd had my eye on her since the incident took place and yesterday, while the other girls were eating Quavers and minirolls for lunch, I saw her tucking into a 'Scotch' egg. Have you ever seen a woman doing such a thing? I didn't need any more proof: that girl's genes don't bear thinking about. If we can gender test at will in the world of athletics, then why can't we do it in schools? It’s only fair to the child involved, not to mention the other kids and teachers who are being unfairly overcome on the playing fields and checked out in the showers.

I think the BBC should lead by example in this scheme and start making gender testing more routine. They could start with Colin Jackson. I for one would be interested in the outcome. It's about time people like Caster and Colin were just allowed to be themselves. Like Christina Aguilera told us, 'I am beautiful in every single way'. Her beauty should be an inspiration to us all.

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90% Of Children Prefer Terrifying Amounts Of Skunk

NINE out 10 children never want to smoke cigarettes, preferring the spiralling high of hydroponically grown skunk, according to a new survey.

The poll showed a generation of children have branded cigarettes 'uncool' compared to the prospect of chasing neon leopards with eight friends that are not actually there.

Government campaigns depicting smokers as homosexual PS2-owners in supermarket trainers have led to a record number of youths shunning cigarettes in favour of zoo-strength hallucinogens.

Jack Barnes, a psychotropically-addled teenager from Knutsford, said: "Fags just make your clothes stink don't they? But crack smells lush and makes you feel like your heart's about to implode. It's fucking mint, trust me."

Dealers are increasingly trying to attract younger customers, with a Carlisle drug raid uncovering a stash of ketamine tablets shaped like Barney the Dinosaur and a cache of syringes that play the 'I Keell You!' ringtone when the plunger is activated.

The arrested dealer had also enticed local schoolchildren by cutting his Hippocampus Raper cannabis with Cheese Strings and Sunny Delight.

Although everybody under the age of 30 will be 'functionally schizophrenic', NHS bosses predict that by 2030 smoking will be the preserve of the UK's vast elderly population.

A department of health spokesman said: "It'll be a country full of wheezing pensioners and saucer-eyed, hooting youngsters. You'll need a line of gak and a packet of Regals just to cope with it all."