Should I colour in my bald patch with a felt tip?

Dear Holly,

I’m going prematurely bald and I am paranoid that women won’t be able to see beyond my massive shiny noggin, glinting in the sunshine. Do you think anyone will notice if I use a sharpie to colour it in? How does Wayne Rooney do it?



Dear Adam,

A big boy from Y6 has a brother who  knows the best friend of a lady who once saw Coleen Rooney on the tube, and he told us that apparently the reason Wayne Rooney was banned for two matches is because he was caught illegally harvesting the hair of corpses in order to fashion his new barnet. Apparently he started out using belly button fluff borrowed from the navels of sex workers, but it just kept sliding off his bonce and making him look daft in Liverpool nightclubs, so he soon escalated to grave robbery. One dark night, when Kai was in bed and Coleen was tanning her earlobes, Wayne dressed in a black football strip and sneaked into the cemetary. By the light of the moon he used a pair of nail scissors to plunder the armpit hair of thirty-seven cadavers, pausing only to vomit into his football boots. But it was all worth it, when he could look in a mirror with pride again and see a man with bizarre fluffy corpse-hair grinning back. Unfortunately, Wayne failed to seek the permission of the Head of FIFA in advance and therefore he was immediately branded a bad sport and told he was banned from playing until he had made an even more magnificent toupee for Sepp Blatter.

Hope that helps!




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Golf clubs besieged by sick people

AS the doctors’ strike begins, thousands of sick people have descended on their GP’s natural habitat, the golf course.

The non-availability of medics due to industrial action has drawn sniffling hordes of the unwell to putting greens and club houses in the desperate hope of getting their sickly anatomy looked at.

Doctor Stephen Malley was crushed to death earlier today at a Swindon golf course when an obese man demanding Athlete’s Foot cream toppled into a bunker.

Golfer Roy Hobbs said: “It’s like the night of the hypochondriac living dead. There are people with runny eyes and noses chasing after buggies, or laying in wait behind bushes coughing their arses off.

“Worse still some of them are women which is definitely not acceptable. Although I’m not sure what the club rules are on people with weeping facial lesions.”

Sick person Emma Bradford said: “This is actually far easier than waiting six weeks for an appointment. I just got a prescription for psoriasis cream simply by stealing a ball.”

According to Institute for Studies statistics, there is an 81% probability that any man in a lurid V-neck holding a metal stick who isn’t Sean Connery or an 80s comedian is some sort of doctor.

Surgeon Nathan Muir said: “I thought this was going to be a relaxing day of golf-based industrial action but I’ve just had to do an emergency appendectomy on Hole Four. Now my ‘Rupert the Bear’ style tartan trousers are drenched in gore.”