Men confused by Depp

THE break-up of Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis has left heterosexual men unsure which one they like most.

The pair spent fourteen years being the most ludicrously attractive couple on the planet but have separated to spread their genetic fairy dust across Hollywood. Now many men are having troubling thoughts about which one they would rather bump into.

Carlisle taxi driver Wayne Hayes said: “I’ve fancied Vanessa since Joe le Taxi but I was fourteen at the time too, so that’s fine. Well nineteen, but anyway. And these days she looks like an exotic heavy smoker who would ride you like Bob Champion on Aldaniti before starting a massive row and possibly attacking you with cutlery.

“But Johnny Depp – I mean, have you seen the cheekbones on the man? He is literally prettier than any woman I’ve ever slept with and he seems funny and charming with it.

“I’m not saying I’d do anything sexual but if he wanted me to bathe him and them for the pair of us to lie around in dressing gowns watching foreign soap operas, I’d be ok with that.”

Sexologist Nikki Hollis believe the split is causing the biggest re-assessment of heterosexual feelings since 2005 when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up, causing many women to wonder whether a piece of the Friends star would be no bad thing either.

Hollis said: “When faced with a Hollywood level of attractiveness, sexual preference becomes essentially meaningless – in the same way that if you didn’t really like red cars and somebody offered you a red Aston Martin, you’re going to jump into it with a smile on your face.

“These mixed feelings will soon pass and heterosexual men will go back to viewing other men as simply things to fight with, fart with or tell it’s their round.”

Hayes added: “Men who are having difficulty with their feelings for Depp should perhaps contemplate his film output post-Sleepy Hollow.

“It’s difficult to fancy someone who’s in a pile of toss. Unless they’re Scarlett Johansson, obviously.”



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G20 leaders solve world's problems in all-night tequila binge

EVERY political issue in the entire world has been sorted out by the leaders of the G20 nations during a single night of drunkenness in a Mexican cantina.

The 60-year Arab-Israeli conflict, the escalating tension between nuclear powers India and Pakistan, and the United States’ $15 trillion deficit were all dealt with, as were 28 bottles of Rancho Alegre agave tequila, five shakers of salt and a case of limes.

President Barack Obama, who awoke curled in a foetal position on the hotel room floor of the Australian Prime Minister, told a 1pm press conference that all the G20 need to do is piece together everything that was said the evening before and the world will be ‘fucking smooth’.

Obama said: “Just because we were drunk, it doesn’t make what was said was meaningless. I’m tired of writing off ideas just because…of…”

Pausing to rub his temples in a pained manner, he continued: “Seriously, the thinking around those tables last night was so unbelievably intense it’s like it’s driven a huge goddamn spike of pain right into both of my eyes.

“We fixed the international debt crisis on the back of a cocktail napkin, but Felipe Calderón burned it during this drinking game called Ring of Fire.”

David Cameron and Germany’s Angela Merkel are avoiding each other following a ‘Eurozone brainstorm’ on a fire escape which allegedly involved tongues and a fumbling attempt at breast squeezing.

Italian President Mario Monti said: “I was part of the subcommittees, which is what we called it when we went out for smokes, and I distinctly remember getting that global warming shit wrapped right up.

“I went inside to tell that Indonesian guy, Bambang – what a name, right? Bambang! – but he was on the dancefloor and LMFAO was on and that is my jam, man, that is my motherfucking jam so I just lost it.”

So far, the only clear solution that has emerged from the evening is the two-word note ‘Nuke Pyongyang’, which South Korean President Lee Myung-bak has tattooed across his buttocks.