TRUMP has deleted an AI image of himself as Jesus, after belatedly realising there are a few minor differences between himself and the Messiah. As follows:
Grabbing pussy
Jesus enjoyed a level of fame in his time, but there exists no evidence of him claiming he used it to sexually assault women. If there is a Parable of the Pussy Grabber, his disciples did not record it.
Lying
Jesus was a big proponent of the Ten Commandments, the ninth of which is ‘Thou shalt not lie’. Trump lies constantly, often updating earlier lies to make them even less truthful. How many wars has he claimed to have stopped? Nine now, if you include the one that’s still ongoing.
Jesus’s stories make sense
Parables like the Prodigal Son have a clear story arc and moral, in this case ‘God forgives people and so should you’. Trump instead opts for rambling tales of sharks, electric boats and his uncle knowing the Unabomber. None has an obvious message, except perhaps ‘I am an egomaniac who is decaying mentally’.
Trump would not die for our sins
The president seems unlikely to sacrifice himself to absolve mankind of its sins. Though he would sell you a ‘sin-absolving baseball cap’ on the Trump Store for $249.
Trump cannot heal
Jesus healed the sick for free; Trump cutting Medicaid is not in the same spirit. If he did have miraculous healing powers, surely he would have cured his wayward anus by now.
Jesus wasn’t American
Trump Jesus is surrounded by American symbols such as the flag, Statue of Liberty and a US soldier. However Jesus was canonically Judean and, due to his humility, would not have done anything as tacky as commanding eagles to circle above him while he performed miracles.
Jesus was celibate
In Roman times they weren’t too fussed about the age of consent, or indeed consent, but no theologian has ever suggested that Jesus was a sex offender. It’s unlikely Christianity would be practised widely if every Sunday was praying for billionaire paedophiles.
Judging others
Hypocritically judging others was what Jesus’s ‘Cast the beam out of thine own eye…’ quote was about. Trump judges others constantly, calling them ‘sleepy’, ‘low-IQ’ and other failings that are clearly projection and thus as hypocritical as a pot telling a kettle it’s a shitty colour.
Jesus did not have F-15 Strike Eagles
F-15 jets and American soldiers can be seen in the background of Trump’s post. Apart from the anachronism, airstrikes would have wiped out Roman soldiers armed with swords, making Jesus’s arrest in the Garden of Gethsemane impossible and buggering up the Bible.
Views on marriage
One of the Son of God’s key teachings was that marriage is a sacred, permanent union between a man and a woman. Trump sees it more as a temporary union concurrent with numerous affairs, sex with porn stars, sexual harassment and abusing trafficking victims. So slightly different.
Jesus didn’t start any wars, personally
Strongly in favour of peace and reconciliation with unambiguous statements as ‘Blessed are the peacemakers’, Jesus would be a worthy recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize. Trump is trying to add this to his tragic Scrooge McDuck collection of gold by waging war.
Jesus is in Heaven
Trump appears to realise he is not going to Heaven, unlike Jesus. It’s a shame every conception of the afterlife is a human invention because even committed atheists would be in favour of a medieval Hell with red-hot pokers, a lake of fire and frequent human barbecues if Trump could be sent there.
