THE prime minister has reassured young people that by the time they retire their state pensions will have no locks, should they even exist at all.
Following up on yesterday’s speech, Andy Burnham has told young people that their pensions will be liberated from the clunky metaphorical locks which have weighed down previous generations by giving them a viable income.
He said: “Yesterday was just the beginning. If you survive a lifetime of meaningless toil then I can promise that your pension will only stretch to a one-off purchase of a Doritos grab bag and a can of Monster Pipeline Punch.
“Locks sound scary and gatekeeping, and you young people are triggered by that sort of thing. You’ll lap it up if we give them a progressive-sounding name like ‘ethically unencumbered finances’ and promise there’s been no investment in arms manufacturing.
“Besides, triple locks and cushy pensions are boomer shit. Why follow in their problematic, Brexit-voting footsteps when you can work until death? That’ll silence all cries of ‘lazy snowflakes’!
“You won’t have any financial security, but at least you’ll get to share a council house with your mates. It’ll be like an episode of Friends.”
32-year-old Tom Booker said: “My pension plan is an early death. And I’m putting everything into it.”
