And that's how we clung onto power in 92, say Tories

A DELIGHTED Tory party has been reminded by a narrow win and a Labour-Lib Dem split of how they clung onto power back in 1992.

Thrilled Conservatives are remembering how, more than three decades ago in the middle of a recession and led by a charisma-free prime minister, they scraped an election win and kept themselves in power for another five dreadful years.

Party chairman Greg Hands said: “Massively unpopular? Yes. Bollocksed the economy? Yes. But Uxbridge shows the way.

“Voters are a gullible, credulous lot. We’ll fight on local issues, half of which we’ve made up, half of which blame our own policies on the opposition, and all of which are easily disproven lies. And we’ll win.

“Another half-decade in power without any policies except disastrous privatisations? Beset by scandal on every side? At war with ourselves while Britain goes to shit? Don’t mind if we f**king do.

“We’d almost forgotten, in our disarray, that this country votes Tory by default. We’ll cling onto power even if it ruins us and everything else. The 90s revival is on.”

Ordinary voter Jim Bates said: “The man said if Labour win they’ll come to our houses and take our cars. I need my car for work.”

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Oppenheimer then Barbie back-to-back will be great, say ironic hipster twats

A GROUP of snarky wankers have announced they will be seeing Oppenheimer and Barbie as a double bill to prove how quirky they are.

Julian Cook and friends got the zany idea of seeing the two deeply contrasting films from a joke on Twitter repeated literally thousands of times. Being twats, they then decided to enact the moderately amusing gag for real. 

Cook said: “D’you get it? D’you get how mad are we? We’re going to post about it on Instagram, and everyone’s going to lose their minds. The people working at the cinema will never have seen anything like it. 

“One is a big-budget blockbuster about nuclear bombs and the other is a big-budget blockbuster full of knowing jokes for adults. I don’t think normies can wrap their heads around us doing something this wild.

“I love Christopher Nolan – Inception is literally the greatest work of art in human history. Also my girlfriend Tallulah likes Cillian Murphy and I’ve wanked over Margot Robbie a lot, so both films are bound to be good.

“There’s no danger a double bill will ruin both of them because we’ll be watching Robert Oppenheimer struggle with the moral horror of being responsible for Hiroshima while knowing we’re about to see Barbie and Ken driving around in a pink car.

“I’ll probably post a selfie with a caption pretending to confuse the two, for example: ‘This Barbie film about the atom bomb is a bit depressing!’ Nobody else will have thought of that.”