Are your loved ones part of the secret Remainer plot to unravel Brexit?

THEIR secret summit proves it: Remainers are plotting to reverse Brexit, and their agents walk among us. Your boss? Your best friend? Your wife? Expose the traitors: 

Your MP

Are they a member of one of the parties at the summit? Or worse, a Lib Dem? Then they’re part of it. These saboteurs dynamiting the foundation of democracy itself have declared themselves enemies of the people. Only the Reform Party, formerly Nige and the Anti-Lockdown Massive, formerly UKIP, can be trusted.

Your employer

Hearing unpatriotic whining about ‘staff shortages’ or ‘falling turnover’ or ‘export costs’? That’s seditious talk. Brexit is perfect therefore its economic effects are perfect therefore any complaining about it is counter-revolutionary. The business should be requisitioned and handed over to believers like yourself.

Your husband

‘There’s nothing on the bloody shelves in Sainsbury’s,’ he says, in the slip that proves he’s one of them. ‘And the prices!’ he continues, giving it all away. Why knock our Europe-beating inflation if Brussels’s nanobots aren’t controlling his brainstem? Regretfully, you heft a spade and prepare to strike.

Your dog

Taking Churchill for a walk, you’re whistling Land of Hope and Glory as you pass the council estate to let them know you’re on side with the proletarian revolution. Then he lets loose with a massive loose bowel movement and you step in it. My God. They’ve even taken control of our pets.

Jeremy Clarkson

No man represents all that is Great about Britain like Clarkson, but this farm show? His ceaseless carping about agriculture not being helped by Brexit, when the multi-national farms are collectively groaning with produce and alive with song? They’ve got to him. Probably through a woman.


How, you wonder, staring in the mirror, can you be sure they haven’t got to you? That the so-called vaccine isn’t lying dormant, ready for 5G activation? When you have thoughts like ‘well it’s really not made much difference’ and ‘even Gove’s changed his mind’? Face it. This is down to you.

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Weighing the birthday cake: an entirely proportionate guide to making sure life is fair, by a seven-year-old

COULD your sibling be getting more of something than you? Is that the end of the world? Here’s how to ensure life is precisely fair:  

Weigh all treats

Only neglectful mothers believe two triangles of Toberone are the same. Have the scales and tears ready, commanding she slice tinier and tinier slivers until she slices a finger.

Demand parity of opportunity

If one sister’s having a sleepover? Then the other must have one, even though she’s four years younger and doesn’t have any mates. One’s doing street dance? The other must do street dance. One’s been an arsehole? The other is allowed 45 minutes of arseholery.

Time hugs

Use your tablet’s stopwatch to time hugs. If mum hugs the other sibling longer, demand the whole bedroom routine begin again. We can take all night if we need to.

Split party bags like-for-like

Lay out all items on the table. Sweets should be split evenly. Toys must be assigned values, The argument about whether a slime stress ball outweighs a keyring that makes noises should be long and rancorous.

Alternate everything

Your parents must understand that sitting on the left hand side of the passenger seat is better than sitting on the right. Educate them in this regard by maintaining a strict daily rota, even if it does mean leaving late.

Separate jars of Nutella

His behaviour with the Nutella cannot be tolerated. If he must eat it with a spoon then the jar cannot be shared. Write on it in red pen. Police usage. Never relax your vigilance.

Keep a record of birthdays

It doesn’t matter that her birthday is in February and yours is in September. A record of the number of gifts received, and their value, must be kept so the universe is exactly in balance or you will kick off for the next seven months.