Banning strikes, banning unions, banning trains: Panicked Tory solutions to the rail strike

THE Conservatives cannot fathom how they could possibly end the baffling, motiveless rail strike. These are their panicked ideas thus far.

Banning strikes

A blanket ban on the withdrawal of labour, turning Britons into indentured slaves, would be impossible and spark more strikes. Meanwhile it would solve no underlying problems whatsoever. A policy with all the hallmarks of Liz Truss, ie. it appears to have been devised in one minute by a small child.

Banning trains

Since trains are the cause of all the trouble, ban them. The very idea of collective travel is anti-individual and socialist. Only cars are truly Conservative.

Banning unions

Unions are communist, ie. the Soviet Union. So unions are banned and all members are blacklisted and never allowed to work again. Nor will they be allowed benefits. Labour shortages will be covered by EU citizens – ah shit no. Maybe migrants. Not non-white ones – that’d be electoral suicide. Robots? Yes, robots will do everything. Problem solved.

Raising rail sector CEO wages

Trickle-down economics means that the more the leaders at the top get paid, the more money travels through the system to the workers at the bottom. So simply by doubling, trebling or octupling rail bosses’ wages, signallers will get pay rises in six to 12 years.

Thatcher

The answer to strikes is Thatcher. When there were strikes, the mere presence of Thatcher in a royal blue twinset made them magically melt away or something. Nobody’s sure of the details, it was so long ago. Anyway, we need a new Thatcher. Any candidates? No, not you, Liz.

Immediate massive national prosperity

The UK suddenly becoming the sole resource for something incredibly valuable that’s in huge worldwide demand would raise everyone’s incomes and settle this handily. Something like Unobtanium from Avatar. Maybe it could glow blue and make you immortal? Let’s discover that.

Meeting worker demands for a pay increase and no redundancies

Impossible. Made-up joke economics by left-wing cretins who know nothing. Especially when there are simple solutions like those above.

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55-year-old pub side goalie reckons he could've stopped that backheel goal

A MIDDLE-AGED keeper for an amateur pub football team reckons he could have saved Alessia Russo’s incredible backheel goal.

Bill McKay, goalie for his local pub’s football team ‘Gammon and Ball’, thinks his pitiful fitness and lack of professional experience would have posed no obstacle to stopping Alessia Russo’s phenomenal backheel goal against Sweden.

McKay said: “You all saw how the ball rolled into the net, anyone should’ve been able to stop that. If this is the standard the women are playing at then maybe I should go along to one of their tryouts.

“So what if I only play on Sunday mornings against the dregs of the football community? Put me in that goal last night and I would’ve easily stooped down to make the save. Getting back up again might’ve been a problem though.

“And is anyone going to tell what’s-her-name that she’s supposed to kick forwards instead of backwards? That’s how men do it in proper football and we’ve yet to win a major trophy in decades.”

McKay’s wife Susan said: “Bill kicked the ball in a random direction and fell on his arse trying to recreate that stunning backheel kick. I like to think he’s inspiring young girls to play football much better.”